Page 104 - Advanced Biblical Counseling Student Textbook

Counseling a couple who has an unhappy marriage. 164

One thing we know for sure: being in an unhappy marriage is not biblical grounds for divorce. In Mark
10:11–12 Jesus said, “A man who divorces his wife so he can marry someone else commits adultery
against her. And a woman who divorces her husband so she can marry someone else commits adultery.”
Based on the Bible, we see that people don’t have the right to dissolve an unhappy marriage. God
intended that marriage be for a lifetime.

Ephesians 5 presents marriage as a picture of the relationship God has with us. This is one reason why
God has such an interest in keeping marriages intact. Failed marriages and broken homes are
devastating to the husband and wife, not to mention the children involved. Financial ruin is only one of
the unhappy results of divorce. The family unit is the basic building block of any society, and rampant
divorce has a tragic impact on all of the culture.

This is not to say that God wants to force us to remain forever in an unhappy marriage. He doesn’t ask
us to just grit our teeth and suffer through it. When God approaches marital problems, He does so from
the perspective of how to fix them, not how to dissolve the marriage. For example, Paul writes of
demonic impact in marriages (1 Corinthians 7:5). He states that the couple should be active in the sexual
relationship so that Satan cannot tempt them. Peter encourages husbands to treat their wives with
understanding so that their prayers will not be hindered (1 Peter 3:7). From these passages we can see
that marriage is a spiritual battlefield. It takes work to fight for the relationship, not to fight in the
relationship.

God encourages us toward reconciliation. Matthew 18:15–16 demands open, honest communication
that deals with hurts and frustrations caused by sin. It even encourages us to get help to resolve
problems. God also calls us to find our joy or happiness in Him (Philippians 4:4). The joy of the Lord is
something you can have regardless of conditions. In all of God’s guidelines for experiencing joy, none of
them require a spouse to cooperate. A spouse does not control our capacity to have joy or peace. James
1:3–4 tells us that deep, abiding joy comes as we persevere through trials, with God’s help, and as our
faith matures and strengthens.

The book of Philippians is a great study in the difference between joy and happiness. Written by the
apostle Paul while imprisoned in Rome, this book uses the words joy, rejoice, and joyful 16 times and
teaches us how to have true contentment in Jesus Christ, despite our circumstances. In chains, Paul talks
about his faith and trust in Christ and how it had changed his whole perspective on suffering.

God has given husbands clear-cut instructions in Ephesians 5:25–28: “Husbands, love your wives, even
as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. . . . So ought men to love their wives as their own
bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself.” To wives, God’s instruction is to submit to their husbands’
leadership (verse 22) and to respect their husbands (verse 33). In a Christ-like spirit, both are to submit
to one another (Ephesians 5:21). If both spouses are living up to their biblical responsibilities, there will
be joy and happiness in the marriage. What woman wouldn’t respect and submit to a man who loves
her the way Christ loves His church? And what man wouldn’t love a woman who respects and submits to
him? The unhappiness that is present in too many marriages is often a result of one or both parties
refusing to submit to God and obey His revealed will for marriage. Sometimes the unhappiness is

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