Page 12 - Way Out to the Old Ballgame

World Series

“Just this,” replied Bosconi, impervious to the frightful display.
“During the run-down, one of your runner’s heads went outside the
base path. Your appeal is rejected.”
“Hork-yark-gruk!” hooted Korok, teeth waving gaily like league
pennants in the breeze. “We win!”
“Not so fast,” cautioned the commissioner. “You also filed an
appeal. In the ninth inning, your team would have scored two runs
when the ball disintegrated in the infield. As you correctly surmised,
the batter may take as many swings as he likes before the ball crosses
the plate; there is no rule against that on Earth, since our players
cannot physically spin around fast enough to take another cut. It is
also the case that a ball damaged by the act of hitting it is still in play,
regardless of its condition.”
“So?” The Arthrodont started vibrating his upper and lower teeth
against each other, very close to Bosconi’s neck. It sounded like an
immense electric shaver.
“What the umpires did not consider was that the bat was broken
on the first swing by the force of the batter’s jaws; when he came
around the second time, he no longer held a regulation piece of
lumber. He was out before he made contact.” Bosconi beamed at the
creatures on either side.
“But—but—” spluttered Lussessi. “Who won the game?”
“Neither team scored a legal run. Nine innings were played, and
the umpires called it an official game. There is no provision for an
eighth game in the World Series.”
The Arthrodont and Writher managers both broke out in streams
of abuse, insulting everything from Bosconi’s intelligence and
objectivity to the very molecules from which life on Earth had first
assembled. The commissioner smiled indulgently.
“I see you have not yet learned the finer points of sportsmanship,”
he said. “I warned you before, and now I have no choice but to
suspend both of you.”
“Suspended? For how long?” lisped Lussessi.
“Well, considering the nature of your offences, and the harm you
have done to the game in the eyes of children and other concerned
supporters, I hereby suspend you for 500,000 years. Further attacks
on this office or its rulings will result in even greater penalties.”
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