Page 34 - JULY 2016 Newsletter

The funniest wife and husband
n BY MITCHELL KRUGEL
Ron Gaines began his set in the Chicago’s Funniest
Cop competition with some take-my-wife punchlines. He shared how his beloved of 22 years liked to ask ques- tions she knows will end in arguments.
“We’re watching CSI Kentucky or something like that and she said, ‘Can you do that?’” Gaines mused. “I said, ‘Can I do what?’ She said, ‘If something happened to me and the investigator came in and put my body inside a body bag and they carried it out, would you be able to sit there and watch them do it?’ I told her, ‘Sure, I would be able do that, but in that kind of scenario, I would proba- bly be in the back of the squad car with handcuffs on.’”
And with that, Gaines appeared to be off and running to defend the title he won last September. Only this year before he could become Chicago’s Funniest Cop, he had to be the funniest Chicago cop in his household.
His wife happened to be the cop who opened the show. In a truly groundbreaking performance, Kenyat- ta Gaines became the first woman to ever appear in the Chicago’s Funniest Cop gala and she was also the first comedian to take the stage on this night.
Groundbreaking performances are, of course, noth- ing new for Kenyatta. In May, she was the vocalist for the first all-female honor guard to ever represent the CPD in the National Honor Guard competition during Police Week in Washington, D.C. And she was an equally adept virtuoso on the Laugh Factory stage, jabbing at Ron as wittily as he railed on her.
“My husband will be like, ‘Did you pick up the gro- ceries? Did you put the groceries away? Did you feed the dog? Did you mop the kitchen floor? Are you gon- na cook?’” she quipped. ‘I said, “What the hell are you doing here?’ He said, ‘Well, I gave you kids.’ Well, gee, thanks. That’s exactly what I needed. I remember when I was three years old thinking, ‘You know what I want for Christmas? A lazy-ass husband, three damn kids and a whole bunch of stuff to do.’”
Kenyatta admitted that at home, she is the serious one while Ron cracks all the jokes. But when 100 Club Exec- utive Director Joe Ahern asked her to become the first lady of Chicago’s Funniest Cop, “yes” came out before anything else.
Ron tried to give her advice to prep her performance, but she refused and spent the two or three days before the show working on concepts that ranged from single life versus married life, what you will do when you are drunk and the city of Chicago’s propensity to open up old police cases.
“The city opens up more cases than TSA,” Kenyat-
ta sent up as the line that drew a roaring applause and whistles from the audience. “There are so many cases being opened that I’m waiting for Howie Mandel to say, ‘Show us Case No. 17.’”
Ron also made some fun at the expense of the Depart- ment in his set, but his funniest moment came when talking about “Soul Food Day” his father, a retired CPD sergeant, used to have at Sunday dinner.
“Soul Food Day,” Ron explained. “Ham hocks, chitlins, collard greens, pigs’ ears. I said, ’Dad, why are you eat- ing this crap?’ He said, ‘Back in the slave days, the mas- ter would take all the good parts and leave the rest to the slaves.’ I said, ‘Yes, dad, but I’m free.’”
And though Ron’s set won him second place, he seemed to know who the real winner was in the house- hold.
“I’ve always told her, to me she wasn’t funny,” he con- fided. “But she came on stage to prove me wrong. And she did. I have to take back all the not funny. I take it back.” d
34 CHICAGO LODGE 7 ■ JULY 2016
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