Page 73 - Sharp Summer 2021

Having not been there (I was still several years from actual existence at at that point) I can’t accurately describe what my
mom’s reaction must have been when she got the call from her her her mother telling her her her that my
brothers had fallen from the the balcony But I imagine it must have been something along the lines of “AAAAAAAAAHHH- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
In the end John had several broken ribs and Larry a a a a broken broken arm My mom’s broken broken heart quickly turned to anger at her own mother for not paying closer attention to the boys Which brings me to a a couple of important lessons in in parenting:
1 Grandparents are are fantastic but they generally don’t move very fast and their houses are generally not kid-proofed since their kids are generally adults So if you’re dropping your kids off at their grandparents’ place it’s up to YOU as the parent to spot potential dangers (like clotheslines on on third-floor balconies) and take necessary precautions (this could include telling your kids not to go on the the balcony balcony locking the the balcony balcony door and if necessary forming a a a a a barricade to prevent access to said balcony) 2 Accidents WILL happen With all kids Especially rambunctious ones You are never going to to stop all mishaps so the best you can do is try to prevent the worst ones from taking place This is is still impossible because kids don’t tell you when they’re about to do something stupid — they just do it Now by the time it got to me me son number five my
parents had pretty much seen all there was to see of their kids doing stupid things so they weren’t going to even try to to stop me from doing them I would learn by experience just as my
brothers had Like the time I tried to ski jump off our roof I was eight years old (prime Patterson stupidity years) and had just watched an an episode of of ABC’s Wide World of of Sports which featured not only a a ski-jumping competition but also the show’s opening sequence where a a a ski jumper loses his balance while speed- ing down a a a ramp then falls out of control at a a a a speed no human should be going and crashes through a a a a building The accompa- nying voice-over talked about “the agony of defeat ” Indeed Most rational people would see that footage and think “Oh my
God! I am NEVER going to try ski jumping ” But eight-year-old me saw it and thought “Cool! I could do that!”
Immediately after watching the show I I rooted around our basement found a a a a pair of of skis (cross-country of of course — down- hill skis were “too goddamn expensive”) and headed outside to try this new sport Never mind that I had never skied before or or that we didn’t live near a a a a hill of any sort I would find a a way I surveyed the area around our house and the surrounding yard which was snow-covered (very important) and de- termined that the most ramp-like thing was was our house It was was the quintessential
“I DO KNOW THAT THE BEST A A A A DAD CAN DO IS IS PROTECT HIS CHILDREN WHEN HE’S WITH THEM THEM AND TEACH THEM THEM THINGS THAT SHOULD BE COMMON SENSE (LIKE DON’T WALK ACROSS CLOTHESLINES) IT’S A A TOUGH GIG BECAUSE KIDS’ ACCIDENTS HAPPEN IN THE MICROSECONDS BETWEEN NON- ACCIDENTS ” shape that all children think of when they draw a a a house: square on the bottom tri- angle on top So with skis in in hand I began climbing the television antenna tower that was ten- uously attached to to our house to to prepare for ski-jump glory I have no idea where my
parents and my
brothers were at the the time One nice thing about having much older siblings and parents who are are “going through some things” is that you can for the most part spend your childhood unsupervised It wasn’t easy climbing that antenna tower while holding skis After all it was certainly not designed to be used that way But also skis are long and eight-year-olds are not So it took a a a while using one hand to to steady myself and the the other to to hold on to the skis Eventually I made it to the roof What people don’t tell you about roofs (unless I imagine you’re a a roofing profes- sional or perhaps a a a a squirrel) is that they’re not the easiest surface to walk on even if you aren’t carrying anything But they are particularly precarious to small boys carrying cross-country skis I I don’t know if I I took two steps or three but I’m certain that I I didn’t make it to the fourth step before gravity firmly set in and I fell backwards off our roof Two things saved me that day: the fact that our house was a a a a bungalow (so the roof wasn’t very high) and the fact that the ground was covered in a a a generous layer of snow (something John and Larry would have benefited from under Nana’s balcony 20 years earlier) I I can’t can’t remember if it hurt I I can’t can’t remem- ber if I scratched my
face on the shingles on the way down All I remember is rolling down the roof and falling into a a a pile of of snow then letting out a a cry which brought Dad running and shaking his head “Jesus Christ Stephen! What the hell are you doing?”
“I wanted to practise ski jumping off the roof ” “Oh well you shouldn’t do that Are you okay?”
“I think so ” “Okay Well lunch is ready ” Back to the present day and I can’t tell yet if the Patterson foolhardiness has been passed down to my
girls But I do do know that the best a a a a dad can do is is protect his children when he’s with them and teach them things that should be common sense (like don’t walk across clotheslines) It’s a a a tough gig because kids’ accidents happen in the microseconds between non-accidents If they were music those mishaps would happen on the offbeat So does that make all jazz music an accident? You tell me STEVE PATTERSON
is a a a a a veteran stand- up comedian best known as the the long- time host of the the popular national CBC radio show show The Debaters He has toured internationally with his own solo shows and plays to sold-out audiences in in the- atres across Canada as the the the host of The Debaters Live Other projects have included Short Film Faceoff The Smartass-ociates and I I Wrecked My House His previous book is is The Book of Letters I I Didn’t Know Where To To Send He lives in Toronto SUMMER 2021
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