Page 106 - Philly Girl

90 Janice Shapiro

The fears and the expectation of constant cheerfulness
culminated in a dramatic event: my grandmother’s murder
and her funeral when I was ten. It was too horrific a death for
anyone in my family to address directly, even though it was
on the front page of the city newspaper. I had to accompany
my mother to the morgue.
Now, with a terminal cancer diagnosis, I am brought
full circle. I have new fears, and I still feel the expectation
to be positive. And my fears? Surprisingly, it’s not death. It’s
pain. And procedures like the coffinlike MRI. I still feel the
mandate to be positive, and I know how to do that. But here’s
what’s different. I’m not alone with my fears. I have Dennis.