Page 23 - July Aug 2022 Newsletter Final_Neat

Adventures in Adversity

Dancing with heartbreak.

Michael McGee, MD

Sometimes it can be so difficult to do this work with an open heart and maintain my equa-
nimity.
One patient who is a doctor recently came to me for treatment of anxiety. She gets over-
whelmed when doing complex surgeries, flooded with fear and worry that she will make a
mistake. She has struggled with anxiety her whole life, but this got much worse after she acci-
dentally ran over and killed her one-year-old son 11 years ago.
She was on her way to work when her husband came out to say goodbye as she was backing
out. Her husband left the front door and the gate open. While they were talking, their two
boys came out. Neither of them saw the boys when she started backing out of the driveway.
After running over her son’s head, she got out of the car and started CPR while calling 911.
She said, “I’ve killed my son!” The dispatcher sent the police and the fire department, thinking that perhaps my pa-
tient had intentionally murdered her son.

My patient, recalling a story of her doctor-grandfather once saving someone’s life who was having a brain herination
under similar circumstances, ordered her husband to get a knife. She then cut a hole in her son’s skull, hoping that
this might save his life.

When the police arrived, they saw her frantically working over her son. They drew their guns and came very close to
shooting her. She was hysterical. They took her and her husband to the police station and interrogated them, sus-
pecting she had intentionally murdered her son.

Eventually the police let them go. My patient and her husband then went to the hospital to see their son.
When they got to the ER, the ER physician was cold and judgmental, condemning my patient for having “carelessly”
run over her son. The ER staff initially did not allow for my patient to see her dead son. The physician’s expression of
contempt for my patient was a further devastating blow in what was a living nightmare.
Even though this occurred 11 years ago, her tears flowed as she told her story, and I too teared up. Fortunately, she
has had extensive trauma treatment and had recovered to some degree over the past decade.
At the end of the day, I went home, exhausted. I felt anxious and agitated as well. I laid down for a bit and then sat
with my wife, telling her about this patient. When I got to the point about the ER doctor, I broke down, crying. Some-
how the vision of one of us inflicting this kind of cruelty was too much for me. I also felt rage. I thought to myself
that doctors like that shouldn’t be allowed to practice medicine.

But I myself have been on a long journey transcending my own negative judgments, triggered by my work in foren-
sic settings with severely ill and destructive patients. I too have unintentionally harmed my patients with my nega-
tive judgments. The “Unconditional Positive Regard” taught by Carl Rogers can be easier said than done. To do so
authentically requires a degree of psychospiritual awareness that arises from our own way of being in the world.
Mastering this challenge may be one of the greatest gifts of our profession.

This patient is just one of many patients whose stories have broken my heart. I’m sure you also have many such sto-
ries. Our work is a daily dance with heartbreak. Continued on page 24
NORTHERN CALIFORNIA PSYCHIATRIC SOCIETY Page 23 July/August 2022