Page 21 - How Children Learn to Hate Their Parents

Contributing Factor Seven: Cut and Paste Parent Figures
After separation and divorce life goes on, people re-partner and espcially in the beginning of a new relationship parents and new partners demonstrate happiness, warmth, collaboration, togetherness. It's a new tribe, with new events, experiences and adventures.
Often the influence of an extended family member like a controlling and overinvolved grandparent can influence the formation of a new, different family unit. I have heard on more than one occasion a child tell me things like, "I don't need my father, I have my poppy." (grandfather) What is so disturbing about this statement to me is how children learn that two parents are "un-needed."
I sometimes ask children (the older ones) who have rejected a parent if they would be upset if the parent that was rejected were hurt or passed away. I am told often a version of the statement, "That would make my life easier and I would not feel bad." The more sensitive version of this answer is usually something like "It would be a shame but I don't think it would be so bad." Even if you are a parent who hates your ex or soon to be ex, it is hard to see why you would not be horrified at the callous indifference shown in this attitude, but when I bring this to the attention of the preferred parent they often say, "I didn't cause that." I say in return, "You did not prevent it either."
It can go the other way too, with children resenting a new parent figure, shunning the parent who re-partners and not wanting to be with them out of loyalty the other parent.
For children and even some adults the easiest way to deal with mixed feelings is to align with one perception and ignore everything else.
Even without malicious intent this can be a very seductive or volatile environment, especially for children who have been exposed to hostility, chaos and conflict -- all of which are preventable if parents would drop their swords.
When there is a new partner who has never raised a child there can be tremendous motivation to be a good influence, provide love and do everything "right."
But in the presence of conflict with the "real" parent a lot of things can contribute to rejection.
One of the most significant things that happens is that the parent-new partner relationship can become "romanticized" by the presence of the parent-old partner conflict. The entire "new" relationship rallies around the continued conflict of the old relationship.
Children's lives get wrapped up in this system of ongoing conflicts over money, time, influence and perceptions of who the good guy and bad guy are cannot help but operate on children's attitudes and beliefs.
As in many of these factors this operates on children's beliefs about who they should accept and who they should reject and it all happens without planning, devious operation or anything other than the natural ingredients of conflict.
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