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Contributing Factor Nine: Creating Empowerment by Acquiescence
One of the most powerful messages the preferred parent can give a child about the other parent is:
"I think it would be a good idea for you to see your [mother,father] but whatever you decide I will support you."
In my experience, this is the most influential statement a parent can say to a child who is ambivalent about seeing the non preferred parent. There is no message of hatred or criticism of the other parent in this statement. Just support. But this type of support has many not so obvious meanings to a child including:
If you never want to see the other parent again, that's okay.
You have no obligation to interact with this figure who is generally considered to be an important if not one of the most important figures in your life.
There are a lot of decisions you are far too young and immature to make, but this one--is up to you.
This message is often transmitted despite court orders and agreements which state access must happen. However, by the time it comes to the attention of a decision maker a pattern of avoidance (the very last contributing factor we discussed) has already been reinforced. The child might have additional advocacy from their own lawyer, and a "therapist" who has convinced the child that his or her "feelings" should be validated and his choices should be “respected?” Meanwhile we rarely “respect a child’s choice” when they don’t want to school, want
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