Page 29 - Hoodview News January 2024

HOODVIEW HUMOR: ROSEN
As I was preparing for this column, I saw one that I had written before. I liked it so much I decided to revise it a little and update it with a few comments at the end of this column. Here goes...
Offended!
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By GREG ROSEN
Writer
Since the old year is wrapping up, I like to assess how things went. I realize I had amazing growth! I went from 185 pounds to 200 pounds. This resulted in my pant size changing from 34 to 38. I am reminded of an episode of Seinfeld where it was revealed that he would secretly change the 34” tag on his jeans to a 32” so nobody would know he had gained weight. I am curious if this is a real thing, because if it is, I’m in.
Share a room?
Also, I seem to keep losing my belt. It’s there when I get dressed in the morning, but then as the day goes by, it seems to disappear back into my “waist,” only to be found again with a little probing. I am looking forward to the New Year though. I heard elastic waist bands are back in style and that most women prefer a man with a little extra baggage. My weight gain became obvious when my cousin, who is 9 months pregnant, joked that we could share a hospital room for our deliveries.
You would think that would be enough motiva- tion to get me to lose weight.
If you did, you would be wrong.
Throwing me back?
The tipping point hap- pened last summer. I remember that day perfectly, I was at the beach in Lincoln City. While lying peacefully at the ocean’s edge the waves were coming in and out, ever so gently splashing over my new, larger body. Suddenly my reverie was shattered when a group of college kids from Green Peace started throwing buckets of water on me! Then, four or five of them tried to roll me back into the ocean! The nerve.
January, 2024 Update: Show me the money!
I considered suing Green Peace, but I could not find an attorney anywhere that would take the case. Then I got an idea. What if I said that I was offended?! Once Idecidedonthatpath,Ihad attorneys calling me 24/7. The attorney I got was able to get the case to be heard in Portland because, he said, and I quote, “Portland juries
love to pay big bucks when you are offended.” We are asking for $11.5 million, but my attorney thinks we can get 6-7 million easily! Maybe this whole new woke world they keep talking about over the last three years will not be so bad after all. I need to thank someone for this, I am just not sure if it’s Joe or Obama. If anyone knows who is running things, please let me know so I can thank them personally. n
Editor’s Note: A version of this column appeared in the January, 2019 edition of Hoodview News.
Greg Rosen is a Father, Husband, Realtor, and humorist writer for sev- eral major newspapers. Questions
or com- ments are appreciated: grosen@ pacificpio- neer.com.
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January, 2024 HOODVIEWNEWS 29