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conversation I felt sure that my interrogator, Garvon, had taken a liking to the Lads. I don’t know how they transported me back to Earth but I woke up on the sofa with four bottles of Magners cider beside me and a bit of a sore arse (if you ever get abducted by aliens, refuse to allow the rectal probe).
Anyway, Garvon and his spacemates had detected unusually powerful vibrations emanating from central Sunderland round about 6 p.m. on Sunday 24th May 2009 and had immediately dispatched an autodrive galactopod to monitor the situation. Fascinated by what they saw they decided to return to Earth immediately and have me up for another Q and A session. The following is what I can remember of our exchange. Please note that Garvon’s English is partly based on Ladbroke Grove speech patterns.
Garvon: Congratulations to Niall and the Lads on their great success. That’s really sweet.
Ian: Cheers, Garvon son. Did you catch the game?
G: No, bruv. Why exactly were you celebrating so much? I: Well, we didn’t get relegated and the Mags did.
G: What are the Mags, please?
I: Newcastle United F.C.
G: Ah,.....Toon Army, innit?
I: That’s right.
G: Yes, we know of them...large protruding stomachs... Keegan, Shearer...yes, yes...a strange attraction to
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