Page 64 - Stephen R. Covey - The 7 Habits of Highly Eff People.pdf

These life-support factors also undergird every other dimension of life. And none of them
is an all-or-nothing matter. The degree to which you have developed each one could be
charted somewhere on a continuum, much like the Maturity Continuum described
earlier. At the bottom end, the four factors are weak. You are basically dependent on
circumstances or other people, things over which you have no direct control. At the top
end you are in control. You have independent strength and the foundation for rich,
interdependent relationships.

Your security lies somewhere on the continuum between extreme insecurity on one end,
wherein your life is buffeted by all the fickle forces that play upon it, and a deep sense of
high intrinsic worth and personal security on the other end. Your guidance ranges on the
continuum from dependence on the social mirror or other unstable, fluctuating sources to
strong inner direction. Your wisdom falls somewhere between a totally inaccurate map
where everything is distorted and nothing seems to fit, and a complete and accurate map
of life wherein all the parts and principles are properly related to each other. Your power
lies somewhere between immobilization or being a puppet pulled by someone else's
strings to high proactivity, the power to act according to your own values instead of
being acted upon by other people and circumstances.

The location of these factors on the continuum, the resulting degree of their integration,
harmony, and balance, and their positive impact on every aspect of your life is a function
of your center, the basic paradigms at your very core.

Alternative Centers

Each of us has a center, though we usually don't recognize it as such. Neither do we
recognize the all-encompassing effects of that center on every aspect of our lives.

Let's briefly examine several centers or core paradigms people typically have for a better
understanding of how they affect these four fundamental dimensions and, ultimately, the
sum of life that flows from them.

Spouse Centeredness. Marriage can be the most intimate, the most satisfying, the most
enduring, growth-producing of human relationships. It might seem natural and proper to
be centered on one's husband or wife.

But experience and observation tell a different story. Over the years, I have been involved
in working with many troubled marriages, and I have observed a certain thread weaving
itself through almost every spouse-centered relationship I have encountered. That thread
is strong emotional dependence.

If our sense of emotional worth comes primarily from our marriage, then we become
highly dependent upon that relationship. We become vulnerable to the moods and
feelings, the behavior and treatment of our spouse, or to any external event that may
impinge on the relationship -- a new child, in-laws, economic setbacks, social successes,
and so forth.

When responsibilities increase and stresses come in the marriage, we tend to revert to the
scripts we were given as we were growing up. But so does our spouse. And those scripts
are usually different. Different ways of handling financial, child-discipline, or in-law
issues come to the surface. When these deep-seated tendencies combine with the
emotional dependency in the marriage, the spouse-centered relationship reveals all its
vulnerability.

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