Page 17 - IAV Digital Magazine #463

iAV - Antelope Valley Digital Magazine
A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.
While on the oper- ating table, she has a near-death expe- rience.
During that experi- ence, she sees God and asks if this is it.
God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck – you name it, she had it.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color.
She figures since she’s got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speed- ing up to the hospi- tal.
She arrives in front of God and asks, “I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?”
“Oh sorry, ” Said God. “I didn’t rec- ognize you.”
As the manager of
our hospital's soft- ball team, I was responsible for returning equip- ment to the proper owners at the end of the season.
When I walked into the surgery depart- ment carrying a bat that belonged to one of the sur- geons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.
"Look, honey," one man said to his wife. "Here comes your anesthesiolo- gist."
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auction- eer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the auctioneer. "He can talk. Who do you think kept bid- ding against you?
A girl in our office, from South America, is always in a hurry...
We call her URGENT-TINA.
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.
My boss asked, "What companies?"
I replied, "Gas, water, and electrici- ty."
A man answers the phone and has the following conversa- tion:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Colleen has been very difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I know you warned me. I remember you told me that she was evil and would make my life miser- able and you begged me not to marry her. I should have listened to you. You want to speak with her? All right."
He looks up from the phone and calls to his wife in the next room, "Colleen, your mother wants to talk to you!"
Faculty Trained To Use Hockey Pucks To Thwart Shooters
AUBURN HILLS, Mich. (AP) — Faculty at Oakland University in suburban Detroit have received hockey pucks and are being trained to use them to thwart active shooters.
WDIV-TV reports the American
Association of University Professors has distributed pucks to its 800 members.
University Police Chief Mark Gordon says to fight effectively, fac- ulty and stu- dents need to be prepared to throw heavy objects that will
cause a distrac- tion. He says pucks fit the bill and can conve- niently be car- ried in brief cases or back- packs.
The faculty union also is working with student groups to distribute an additional 1,700 pucks to stu- dents.
iAV - Antelope Valley Digital Magazine