Page 17 - IAV Digital Magazine #577

iAV - Antelope Valley Digital Magazine
As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon
the young bride called her mother, who lived a cou- ple of hours away.
“How did every- thing go?” her mom asked.
“Oh, mother,” she began, “The hon- eymoon was won- derful! So roman- tic, we had a ter- rific time.
But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horri- ble language.
Stuff I’d never heard before Really terrible four-letter words.
You’ve got to come get me and take me home.
Please, Mother!” the new bride sobbed over the telephone.
“But, honey,” the mother countered, “What four-letter words?”
“I can’t tell you, mother, they’re too awful! Come get me, please!”
“Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset....
Tell mother what four-letter words he used.”
Still sobbing, the bride said, “Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook.”
A man hires a new maid and calls home to speak to his wife. The maid picks up.
“Is this the maid” “Yes”
“Well may I speak to my wife?”
“Well....she’s in b**with a m**”
The husband is furious and tells the maid “I want you to go into my desk, get my , and sho** the both of them”
The husband hears the gun- shots and the maid returns to the phone, telling him she shot both of them.
The husband says, “Now I want you to take both bodies and throw them into the pool”
The maid says, “What pool???”
The husband
says, “Is this 387- 6476?”
I was on a very crowded bus and an old woman with a walker gets on.
All the other pas- sengers proceed to file on and take up the remaining standing places but she stands close to me, star- ing me in the eyes.
After 5 minutes of this, I kindly ask, ‘may I help you?’
She replies, “yes, I have been wait- ing here for 5 min- utes now and you have not offered to give me your seat “
Can you give me a good reason why I should?”
I can give you 5. I am an old woman of 86, I have near paralysis in my
left leg, a hip that has been replaced twice, my hus- band died 3 days ago and every second I stand up is pure agony. Can you give me as many reasons why you deserve the seat more?”
Sadly, only one. I’m the freakin’ driver.”
Florida Woman’s Finger Severed In Library Drop Box
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dxFbozlpC8
SEAT-
TLE — A 40- year-old man was arrested last week after allegedly break- ing into a home in Seattle’s Highland Park neighborhood while a teenage girl was inside. Seattle police said the man started drinking gasoline when officers attempt- ed to take him into custody.
According to the Seattle Police Department (SP D), the incident began around 11:30 a.m. Friday when a man called 911 and said his 17- year-old daugh- ter told him someone with a wooden stick was trying to break into their home.
Officers arrived at the home on the 8400 block of Fifth Avenue Southwest, but police said the teenager was too afraid to answer the door. While officers were still outside, they overheard loud banging noises from inside the home. Fearing for the girl’s safety, officers breached the front door and began searching for the 17-year- old and the sus- pect.
The SPD said officers found a 40-year-old man inside the home- owner’s vehicle in the garage. The department said officers noticed the man had a gas can and a hammer in his lap. When
offi-
cers asked the man to exit the vehicle, the SPD said the 40-year- old began drink- ing gasoline out of a container.
Officers contin- ued to tell the man to exit the vehicle, but he refused, and continued to drink more gaso- line. The SPD said officers broke the driver- side window and removed the man from the vehicle.
Police said the 40-year-old man initially resisted officers as they pulled him from the vehicle, but he was eventual- ly taken into cus- tody. Crews with the Seattle Fire Department pro- vided aid to the man at the
iAV - Antelope Valley Digital Magazine