Page 39 - G-Collard Green Garden

There are probably several “Owl” characters in your life. They manipulate with shame, by making others feel foolish or stupid. This can be a par cularly ugly type of manipula on for its vic m because other children will join in a label the “vic m” child.
The subtlety of it; a shameful glance and a refusal to let the vic m par cipate will o en go unno ced by adults. The “vic m” child may be willing do almost anything not to be ostracized and this may get them into trouble.
As with any manipulator, children need to understand, “you give them their power.” In the Owl character, this is even more apparent. He has no superior knowledge or any means to harm us and yet, we dread his disapproval. The goal is dealing with the Owl’s “shame manipula on” is to challenge it. “What makes him so smart?”
Help your children not allow themselves to feel shame if someone choose not associate with them, if you perceive that it is due to this type of manipula on. Be aware that their “smarty pants” friend and the cliques in their class may be using this type of manipula on.
The Bull’s “fear manipula on” is obvious and most of us are alert to it. It may be more prevalent in one se ng than another, one school than another. It is an innate human characteris c, though not one to promote socializa on or even success (with the excep on of criminals) in adult life.
Unfortunately, some situa ons may call for capitula ng or running away. We don’t want to teach a “High Noon” mentality and expect them to face every situa on regardless of the possible serious nega ve outcome.
What we are trying to get them to realize is that they can make minor threats into major threats when they imagine the worst of the worst. This Catastrophizing will cause their emo ons to become supercharged and they will overreact. With “fear manipula on,” they need to think, “what is the worst that could happen.” If they are being realis c, they will then determine a course of ac on.
As an adult, remember that your size, posi on and their history with adults put you into a posi on of being the “Bull .” If your manner is overly in mida ng, you may get a passive response but you will not get their best e ort. They will be performing not to achieve their best, (their best self- interest) but only enough to keep you “from breaking down their fence .”
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