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This close contact was my first with Swami on this trip, and I was ecstatic at being so near him. Swami assured me that my heart was good and not to worry, adding that sometimes my heart rate was a lile off. This brief exchange gave me renewed confidence.
Following the trip, I continued to have problems. I saw a cardiologist, had an echocardiogram, and was told that my aortic valve needed replacement. The cardiologist reassured me that although my valve was damaged, my heart was fine and healthy, as Swami had told me. With successful surgery I should have good exercise tolerance.
Although I knew that the valve was faulty, I hadn’t thought that I would need surgery this soon. Facing surgery brought me face to face with possible debilitation and even death. I became acutely aware of my mortality when speaking to the anesthesiologist, who described the operation in detail. I would awaken with an incision down my mid-chest, tubes coming out of my chest and neck, and a breathing tube in my throat. Perhaps he shouldn’t have been so graphic. I felt vulnerable and cried with Sharon when telling her.
Facing physical problems was a blow to my ego. The prestige of being a doctor melted when I became the patient. I saw more clearly how all earthly possessions and powers pass. I was in my doctor’s office geing an x-ray. As I walked to the x-ray room, a nurse walked up behind me and pulled on my suspenders. She had a laugh at leing go and seeing the stretched band whack me on the back, which was not quite the same respect as I was accustomed to as a doctor. How quickly we can lose everything in the outer world. I could see this lesson as a positive one for my ego and prayed that Swami would let me hold him close, love him, and detach from the drama.
I knew that people were trying to give me courage and that I had a good chance of doing well. I also knew this operation was serious, and I needed God’s strength to accept whatever happened.
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