Page 2 - The Brand Raton

The Daily Tombstone 15 MAR 2019 2

exporter for the first time. This is the moon is significantly smaller than perior strength came to the fore and
good news for neighbouring Mongo- previously believed. This conclusion, she clawed back two rounds to take
lia, a barren moose-wasteland whose which is the conclusion of a ten- the contest into a decider. By this
inhabitents nonetheless have an insa- year collaborative project, will have time Lutti’s body language indicated
tiable desire for the creatures. The in- profound implications for the moose that he already felt overawed by the
crease in Beijing-Ulanbataar trade is community as the gravitational field pretender to his crown, and the new-
anticipated to relieve pressure on the is now known to be of the right comer took advantage of this to en-
relatively strained Russian suppliers, strength to support moose in orbit. gage a mutual headlock which she
but increase Mongolia’s imbalance of According to John Johnson, head held for three hours until the Vat-
trade with its larger neighbour. of the NASA Moon Sizing Experi- ican man retired from exhaustion.
Historically the only competitor ment the first delivery of moose into The next seven matches were barely
to China in the far eastern moose low moon orbit could be achieved as a contest as the news of Johnson’s
markets has been Singapore but the early as the third quarter of next year. supremacy overawed all her oppo-
tiny island nation is set to report a The technology to nurture moose in nents who became too indimidated to
net loss, expecting a decrease of more space is available now’’, he said, ’’all fight properly.
than five percent on last year’s 50,000 that is needed is political will’’. Nigerian Tommy Thompson is
moose counted. The head of Singa- also a relative newcomer to the
pore’s Agency for Agriculture, Jing- Granny wins wrestling scene, but with his 210lb
Feng Lau, explained to an incredu- frame he was expected to fare well
lous Singaporean parliament yester- World Wrestling against Johnson who weighs in at
day that bad weather had contributed only 90lb. However Johnson’s lithe
to this season’s poor showing, most Championship and slender, some would say scrawny,
notably when a cargo of 150 moose figure belies her agility and strength
were swept out into the Indian ocean By ROY MCROYSTON which she demonstrated by holding
in a monsoon. Thompson above her head several
Yet again the global demand for times during the bout and throwing
moose will be met largely by the Records were smashed in him into the crowd once. With the
US and Canada. The recession-hit Nicaragua’s World Wrestling Cham- scores tied at 2-2 time ran out and the
States is taking comfort in its moose pionship last night as 78-year-old contest went to a panel of judges to be
growth figures with gross production Maud Johnson, grandmother of five, assessed. They awarded Thompson a
expected to break 700,000 and net ex- became the first woman for fifty-six C grade whilst Johnson received an
ports to grow by 2%. The worldwide years, and the oldest competitor ever, A, becoming the first grandmother to
dominance of Canada shows no signs to claim the gold medal. She walked ever win the title.
of abating though with this year’s away with her million dollar share of The new champion explained her
moose population expected to match the prize money, runner up Tommy success as the result of a strict train-
last year’s record figures of one hun- Thompson from Nigeria taking half a ing regimen instituted by her coach
dred million billion. million, and third place New Zealan- and grandson five-year-old Sammy
Europe’s rise as an international der John Smith receiving a warm Johnson. "I’ve been drinking ten
moose power will slow slightly this handshake from the umpire. raw eggs for breakfast every morning,
year as a response to the European Having started the tournament a sprinting fifty miles a day and carry-
Union’s move towards standardising rank outsider she began to impress ing my daughter’s car to the end of
the European moose. Stringent qual- in her second match when she took the road and back whenever I felt my
ity controls are holding back the de- US number three Ron Ronson by sur- arthritis was OK" she said. Sammy
velopment of the eastern european prise and subdued him in twenty sec- added "I always knew she could do
populations compared to last year onds with her unique move that has it. She’s my grandma.". The young-
when they contributed significantly been dubbed "Maud’s Death Grip". ster is also her manager and has re-
to europe’s strong growth figures. The injection of a new wrestling style portedly arranged sponsorship deals
Norway, which is not an EU member into the tournament was welcomed which will dwarf her one million dol-
but has observer status, strengthed by spectators and Johnson’s pre- and lar prize fund. Her new contract with
in numbers relative to the Euro area post-match breakdances have proved headband designer Nike alone is set
with numbers of Norweigian moose, entertaining to fans. However, she to earn her fourteen billion dollars
known locally as elk’’ expected to rise was still not expected to win in over the next year. She will also be
for the tenth consecutive year, partic- round three last Wednesday, facing promoting Tupperware, Halliburton,
ularly thanks to a strong showing in off against title-holder Paulo "Spine- the Republic of Macedonia, and Gala
the last quarter. Snapper" Lutti, of Vatican City. Un- Bingo. Her continued participation in
As moose season reaches its close, derdog Johnson was soon showing her the sport is not assured as she wants
researchers world wide are turning to worth with stamina and agility easily to spend more time on her bungee-
science in an attempt to boost next matching last year’s winner. Lutti’s jumping business, and knitting. Ev-
year’s figures. NASA stunned the experience paid off initially as he took eryone here at the World Champi-
scientific community today with the the first two rounds, but as John- onships, however, hopes for her re-
announcment of their discovery that son became more confident her su- turn.