Page 482 - swanns-way

stantly subdued and swayed by the unconfessed feeling that
he was, perhaps not less dear, but at least less welcome to her
than anyone, even the most wearisome of the Verdurins’
‘faithful,’—when he betook himself to a world in which he
was the paramount example of taste, a man whom no pains
were spared to attract, whom people were genuinely sorry
not to see, he began once again to believe in the existence of
a happier life, almost to feel an appetite for it, as an invalid
may feel who has been in bed for months and on a strict
diet, when he picks up a newspaper and reads the account
of an official banquet or the advertisement of a cruise round
Sicily.
If he was obliged to make excuses to his fashionable
friends for not paying them visits, it was precisely for the
visits that he did pay her that he sought to excuse himself
to Odette. He still paid them (asking himself at the end of
each month whether, seeing that he had perhaps exhaust-
ed her patience, and had certainly gone rather often to see
her, it would be enough if he sent her four thousand francs),
and for each visit he found a pretext, a present that he had
to bring her, some information which she required, M. de
Charlus, whom he had met actually going to her house, and
who had insisted upon Swann’s accompanying him. And,
failing any excuse, he would beg M. de Charlus to go to
her at once, and to tell her, as though spontaneously, in the
course of conversation, that he had just remembered some-
thing that he had to say to Swann, and would she please
send a message to Swann’s house asking him to come to her
then and there; but as a rule Swann waited at home in vain,

482 Swann’s Way