Page 22 - The Swan CV Edition 4 April 2020

TALES FROM A TOUCH JUDGE
IAN MARLOW
It looks easy doesn’t it? Just stick your flag up if the player goes in touch or when the ball sails between the posts - and don’t forget to tell the ref how well he’s refereeing at half- time, even (and especially) when he’s not! That’s dead simple, isn’t it? Only it isn’t!
After Bes’s mammoth stint
as Selby TJ (ably assisted
by several other notable
Selbyites for various stints), Iwastooslowtotakea
backward step and inherited
his mantle a couple of years ago when his hips had had enough. And it quickly became apparent that this flagging lark, like telling the missus her outfit is not the best or eating three cream crackers in a minute, is not as easy as it seems.
Men are notorious for not being able to multi- task and I am no exception – and Bes didn’t warn me that I would have to look, run, and think, all at the same time! And the Laws, by God they are complicated. Did you know, just as an example, that the ball in NOT in touch if:
a. The ball reaches the plane of touch but is caught, knocked or kicked by a player who is in the playing area.
b. A player jumps, from within or outside the playing area, and catches the ball, and then lands in the playing area, regardless of whether the ball reached the plane of touch.
c. A player jumps from the playing area and knocks (or catches and releases) the ball back into the playing area, before landing in touch or touch-in-goal, regardless of whether the ball reached the plane of touch.
d. A player, who is in touch, kicks or knocks the ball, but does not hold it, provided it has not reached the plane of touch.
You try remembering that lot and trying to work it out quickly and on the run from 40 metres away – and then explaining it in calmly and concisely in
words of less than two syllables to our wingers! And looking at b), I can’t help thinking that at opposition touch finds we should have a player standing on the dug outs ready to take a Bob Beamonesque leap and catch back onto the pitch!? How about it Jay!?
Another TJ danger zone is wonky lines and posts. Not all clubs have a Tizzy in tow for lazer-cut lines and tall, proud, and totally erect erections – and my infamous and hotly disputed awarding of a last
kick, match-winning penalty at Guisborough last season wasn’t helped (or was it?) by the shortest posts ever, that were both bent and splayed at the same time. Where does the imaginary line extending from the top of those posts go – and did the ball pass between them? Still, if you’d kicked it down the middle like you were supposed to, Harry Cruise, there wouldn’t have been an issue and I wouldn’t have got all that abuse!
And talking of abuse, during my years of playing I prided myself on never, ever, getting involved in childish spats with opposition teams, or supporters – that was for idiots and I was going to float serenely above it! Now, despite giving myself numerous telling offs, I’m at it nearly every week! Every close call (and they are inevitable) WILL be hotly disputed by somebody it seems. There are however many examples of true sportsmanship and one which has stuck with me was from the big Moortown No8 - who I wrongly called in touch, from which we immediately went on to score. When I offered my apology to him behind the sticks as we lined up the conversion, he was a total gentleman about it, refusing to accept any blame on my part – and I would say to all players, try your best to be like him!
Finally dear reader, despite my tales of woe, I must say I do thoroughly enjoy it. Nothing can ever beat crossing the whitewash as a player – but a place right next to it where you can smell the players and their efforts is the next best thing!
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