Page 159 - Reading Job to Know God

short of expectations throughout the world, but not in
my life. A quick overview:

2000 Colon cancer, 2002 we lost our 19 year old
daughter, Beth, in a fatal car accident. 2005 my wife
dies of leukemia and a broken heart 2006 Prostate
cancer 2007 I lose my mom, best friend and Trixie, the
best dog ever.
It then is no surprise to find me in the Psych ward at
Overlook Hospital in NJ on suicide watch. Even though I
had been a pastor, worship leader, Bible teacher and
counselor, I was in one of the deepest depressions I
have ever seen. The worst part of it was feeling
abandoned by God. Feeling like “the most cursed man
on earth”, who was being punished for some sin or sins I
had done, or thought. Living every moment, in a
whirlwind of confusion, guilt and hopelessness. Trying
to understand the nature of God by looking at our
circumstances is the plight of many of us, or most of us,
at some time in our spiritual journey.
It can be a terribly hard thing when God allows you to
see that your head and your heart live in two different
worlds. When what you thought was faith was just some
mental assent to theological principles. But because He
loves Zion, “He will allure His remnant into the desert
and speak tenderly to her”(Hosea 2:14). Do you know
what Zion means? We super achievers like to think of
ourselves on the Holy Hill of the Lord proclaiming our
overcomer status. But it means “parched”. It is the
fundamental condition our Lord Jesus said would cause
us to be blessed. “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for
theirs is the kingdom of heaven”. How happy are the
dry. How joyful the empty. Which kingdom reigns in my
life. Oh brothers and sisters I was “Zion”, I was parched.
Out of divine breath.
From total despair His voice gently pierced my calloused
spirit with these words: “John, you’ve been trying to
love me your whole life. Have you noticed something,
you’re not really good at it? From now on let’s try
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