Page 16 - The Standard Volume 4

Raising a Stepchild as Your Child
Before we focus on successfully raising a stepchild as your own, let’s address a popular myth, shall we? Through various venues in popular culture ranging from books to movies, step- parents are more likely to be portrayed as evil, uncaring people than warm, loving adults genuinely invested in a child’s upbringing. The assumption can become that you are parenting by default: you just happened to have a relationship and the child(ren) came with the package. People may hint through conversation that one cannot love a stepchild in the same way that one loves a biological child (yes, that’s a true story). And some may even go so far as to insinuate that you are not a real parent (also a true story).
But that simply is not the case. The truth is that you are a real parent. You have the blessed opportunity to impart love, care, instruction, and discipline in a child’s life. Yes, you became a parent through marriage, now it’s time to dig in and do the joyous work of being a parent!
When I became a step- parent nearly 13 years ago, a friend gave me advice that sounded too simple to be wise. I believe it is the foundation for success as a stepparent. Focus on building a relationship. Consider this: when babies are born, their
relationship with you develops from the simple trust that you are going to meet their basic needs. You encourage their development in walking, talking, and eating. These interactions become the foundation of your relationship: the child knows this parent will care for
them and love them no matter the time of day or night.
Jessica Cardwell
So when you jump in at 3 years old or 15 years old, there is no history of trust, encouragement or interest in their lives. While this may look differently at various ages, the principle is the same. It is your responsibility to embark on building a relationship with your stepchild, even if it is met with resistance. Engage in conversations with your spouse in how to make this happen effectively, as it is important that you are on the same page as parents in your new blended household. There is abundant literature on the internet or your local library to learn about the different developmental stages of children, and it may be a helpful resource to you as you consider how to develop a relationship of love and trust, particularly if you have little experience interacting with children of the same age as your child.
So then, mirroring what one does to build a relationship with a biological child, your focus should be on spending quality time and meeting age appropriate needs. For example, a young elementary age student would benefit from reading a funny book together. While practically it may meet a school requirement for at home reading, it can help meet the need for positive warm interactions with a caring adult, and laughter can persuade even resistant children to let down their guard. Children of this age are beginning to learn to do things more independently and desire to accomplish things on their own. Meeting this developmental need may include teaching them to tie their shoes, style their hair, or make a simple dish in the kitchen. Over time, your focus of quality time and meeting the needs of their particular stage in life will build rapport and trust.
A second consideration in your role as a parent is discipline. For the purposes of this article, discipline is defined as teaching children what is right and expected of them, and enforcing consequences for violation of those expectations. In some blended families, discipline is entirely carried out by the
16 THE STANDARD | June 2022