Page 17 - The Standard Volume 4

biological parent as the stepparent is “learning the ropes” of parenting. If you are in this situation, I urge you to abandon this model for a number of reasons.
First, you may be inadvertently teaching your children that the husband and wife are not united. They may quickly learn how to manipulate this division for their advantage. Secondly, as our objective in this article is to raise a child as one’s own, this flies in the face of that logic. A godly parent would not outsource discipline or run from it for their biological children, therefore it is important to also embrace this parental responsibility for stepchildren. Thirdly, this arrangement should be abandoned because there is never a clear time to transition to including the stepparent in discipline. I would argue that one never truly “learns the ropes” of parenting and arrives at a state of feeling adequately prepared. You learn by jumping in and doing the work with your spouse!
At times the biological parent may be so accustomed to parenting on their own that you will need to assert yourself and have conversations (away from children’s ears) about how you can be a united team. Biological parents also may be too close to pressing issues in their child’s life that arose during their previous divorce or death of a spouse, not aware of items that need corrective discipline because it became a normal part of the family operations. Shying away from tough conversations will not improve these situations, but will allow unproductive family habits to continue or grow worse. Conversing truthfully with your spouse is key to being united as parents and bringing healing and deliverance to your stepchild.
Yes, it can be tricky to enforce consequences for a child who does not yet trust you or believe that you love them. So then, what does discipline look like as a stepparent? First, rules and consequences should always be from a united husband and wife team. This will squash attempts of manipulation and set the stage for a healthy family environment. Children will not be able to claim that a step sibling or half sibling is treated differently because they are disciplined by a different parent, reducing the likelihood of resentment between siblings. Second, with focus on building a relationship (as mentioned as the first priority) your position as a parent is strengthened. While you may have to enforce some unpopular consequences, in time, your stepchild will see that you love them, and discipline does not indicate that you are the evil stepmother (or stepfather). This takes time. This takes hard work. This takes consistency. Don’t grow weary in well doing! Galatians 6:9 says, “So let us not grow weary in doing what is right, for we will reap at harvest time, if we do not give up.”
In your efforts to build a relationship and train the child up in the way that he or she should go (Proverbs 22:6), you may face rejection, from the child or significant adults in the child’s life. While this can manifest differently at the various stages of child development, I encourage you to consider the following. Remember they have had a major upheaval in their short lives that they did not ask for. Some will have had
parents separate or die, and some may have been hoping for their parents to reunite and be a family again. Rejection of you isn’t about you, it could be a sign of a struggle to accept that things will never be the same again. This is not a free pass for poor treatment of you, however. Compassion and understanding do not mean that the child should be allowed to continue in a pattern of disrespect or defiance. This is where the united parental team is important!
The child also may be influenced by significant adults having a hard time with the changes as well, whether that be the other biological parent, grandparents, or other caregivers. While you may have little influence over time spent with other adults due to court arrangements, communicating in a respectful manner with these adults regarding shared interest in best outcomes for your child can prayerfully have some impact. While it is possible that your stepchild hears disparaging things regarding you when they are out of your presence, never utter a disparaging word in return in front of your stepchild, as this can have long-lasting damage on your relationship. In this article I cannot begin to cover all possible scenarios or strategies for successful co-parenting. I would recommend seeking help if there are continual struggles in this area.
Step-parenting isn’t for the weak hearted. Rejection does hurt. You must be prayerful that the rejection doesn’t cause you to stop your efforts or become more hands off with your stepchild. This would not be the time for you to be a superhero and power through it on your own, but to obtain prayer and wise counsel so you can be encouraged and empowered to go back to your parenting role with dedication and love in spite of the rejection. As in an airplane, one needs to put the mask on oneself to get the life-saving oxygen before assisting others, so you must also get the help you need so you can be an agent of love and healing to your stepchild, no matter how long it takes.
Remember that you have been entrusted to love and care for your stepchild by God, as Scripture states that children are a gift from the Lord (Psalm 127:3). Your choice to marry your spouse came with the beautiful gift of a child. Keep choosing to show up, to love, and to care. S
June 2022 | THE STANDARD 17