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GLOBAL RELIGIOUS LEADERS

Rabbanit Rachelle Fraenkel

The Widower’s Predicament

idowhood is mentioned more and more visceral and he inter- The difficulty in writing about widow-
dozens of times in the nalizes his terrible loss. hood – and not only carrying on after
WTorah as a situation of vul- We hear Ya’akov’s heart-wrenching a spouse’s death but instilling meaning
nerability, exposure, lacking protec- expression “And when I came from and joy into life – reflects the mystery
tion. The widow is often mentioned Padan, Rachel died on me” (Bereishit of widowhood itself.
together with the orphan and the con- 48:7). He says this years later, at the
vert – those whom it is forbidden to end of his life. We still feel the great How does one hold these two oppo-
exploit; those for whom society should chasm, the sorrow and the loss. In the sites together?
take responsibility for their wellbeing. words of the Midrash: The Midrash in Bava Batra depicts
But what of the widower’s personal “… a woman only dies to her husband, Avraham and Sarah’s graves. Avra-
experience? What is happening in his and a husband only dies to his wife.” ham lies in Sarah’s bosom and Sarah
internal world? is contemplating Avraham’s head. A
The Midrash connects these words to possible interpretation could be that a
Megillat Eicha expresses the enormity a description of another experience man says to himself: I have shared the
of the fragmentation and the mourn- of widowhood, that of Naomi, Ruth’s main chapter of my life with my great
ing and depicts a metaphoric widow, mother-in-law, upon her husband partner – we shared years of work,
Am Yisrael, mourning over the loss Elimelech’s passing. faith and children, and in the midrash
of Jerusalem. The ‘widow’s’ experi- you will write about me, perhaps I will
ence is described in detail with great And Rabbi Yochanan says (in that reappear with the wife of my youth…
sensitivity. same midrash): “Ya’akov Avinu said:
Rachel’s death was harder for me than but as long as G-d chooses to give me
We hear the details of Avraham’s all the troubles I had.” life and more days upon this earth,
involvement in his wife’s burial. We “A woman only dies to her husband.” I will live them to the full. I’ll take an
hear him coming to eulogize Sarah Someone who has not experienced active role, contribute to society and,
and weep over her. the loss of a spouse cannot understand b’ezrat Hashem, I will love life and be
Who is this woman we have lost? this. Perhaps one can identify external content with my life and the life of my
Who is this woman, this righteous sadness and vulnerability, but the loss family and those around me.
individual who shared his life mis- itself, the death, the enormity of the Maybe it is precisely the person who
sion with him, amidst the traumatic void and its accompanying silence… has experienced a great love in his
transitions from Ur Casdim to Haran only the widow or the widower can life who will want to restart and love
and Canaan? This woman was a fully experience. again. And maybe it is precisely a
greater prophetess than he was, but Yet despite his pain, Avraham marries couple who have had a beautiful, suc-
a full partner as they wandered from other women, has more children and cessful marriage who will wish them-
place to place, spreading the ‘gospel’ lives for almost another 40 years after selves or their spouse a good and full
of monotheism. She endangered her- Sarah’s death. life as far as possible, and when the
self for Avraham, and her beauty, her conditions are right, even to marry
wisdom, her righteousness and noble It is almost impossible to express this again. Because with all of its chal-
soul were never tarnished. dissonance in words. Suffering the lenges and heartbreak, they realize life
most painful of losses in death and
As Avraham eulogizes her, the sobbing then demonstrating the ability to come is a gift to be enjoyed, a mission to ful-
wells up deep from within, becoming back to life, to rebuild, to find meaning fill wholeheartedly.
stronger and stronger – perhaps even in and zest for life, and often choosing Rabbanit Rachelle Fraenkel teaches Torah
lasting for days – as the void becomes to marry again. To love and to flourish. at midrashot in Israel.

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