Page 80 - Bridget Jones's Diary - by Helen FIELDING

AGPAR?

I don't know what the big deal is about tests for two - this AGPAR is a test
they have to do at two minutes. Magda embarrassed herself two years ago by
boasting at a dinner party that Harry got ten in his, at which one of the other
guests, who happens to be a nurse, pointed out that the AGPAR test only goes up

to nine.

Undaunted, however, Magda has started boasting around the nanny circuit that
her son is a defecational prodigy, triggering off a round of boast and counter-

boast. The toddlers, therefore, dearly at the age when they should be securely
swathed in layers of rubberware, were teetering around in little more than Baby
Gap G-strings, I hadn't been there ten minutes before there were three turds on
the carpet. A superficially humorous but vicious dispute ensued about who had
done the turds, following by a tense stripping off of towelling pants, immediately
sparking another contest over the size of the boys' genitals and, correspondingly,

the husbands'.

'There's nothing you can do, it's a hereditary thing. Cosmo doesn't have a
problem in that area, does he?'

Thought head was going to burst with the racket. Eventually made my excuses
and drove home, congratulating myself on being single.

Monday 6 March

11 a.m. Office. Completely exhausted. Last night was just lying in nice hot bath

with some Geranium essential oil and a vodka and tonic when the doorbell rang.