Page 80 - Just Deserts

Swami Adavasi

you out big-time, I want to know what’s in it for me.” She arched her
brows and pouted.
Vanaspati stroked his ample jowls, then adopted an unctuous
conciliatory tone. “Now, hold on a minute, Phyllis. You and I have
had a very nice working arrangement ever since I picked you out of
that remedial door-to-door canvassing class. All I can do for you is
what I have been doing: how many levels of helper report to you
now? About four? That’s way ahead of anyone else who started when
you did. If I were to advance you any faster, there would be a lot of
trouble in the ranks; you know that.”
“All very nice, guru-ji, but it’s not enough. Not for what I’ve been
through, and not for what I’ve discovered.”
Cripes! he thought. What has she got? Obviously something hot,
or she wouldn’t be holding me up like this. And tomorrow she’s
going back to boot camp! He smiled, exposing an unmatched pair of
patinated canines.
“Well, I certainly understand your desire to help yourself, and I
really do appreciate the difficulty of your position, but you must
realize the restrictions placed upon me. The government has cast a
jealous eye upon Help Yourself; we are a religion, enjoying tax
benefits not available to, shall we say, crass promoters of get-rich-
quick schemes. I cannot even give you money under the table—every
penny is accounted for as a donation given or received. But if you
have come into possession of a particularly valuable item, I will do
everything possible to get you an advance in level: remember, each
new squad of recruits immediately provides thousands of dollars in
new helpings for the person permanently designated as their
recipient, and an unlimited quantity in the future.”
She shrugged. “Then give me two new squads from the current
crop. Or, better yet, give me a squad to whose members you will, in
turn, each give another squad. I think the arithmetic works out very
nicely that way, like compound interest.”
Guru Vanaspati was silent for a moment. “Tell me again, Ms.
Stein: what was your occupation before you decided to help
yourself?”
“Oh, I was stuck in a boiler-room for a large national charity—I
won’t say which one—soliciting donations by telephone. But let’s not
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