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An article submitted by a Lodge 7 Magazine Sponsor
Police Officers should come with an owner’s manual
In the 10 years that I have been married to a Police Officer, I have asked myself many times, “Where is the owner’s manual for this guy?”
that it is none of their business when they ask, “Have you ever been shot at, and have you shot someone?”
The first few days that we were married, I made sure to wait up until he got home from work at 1 a.m. to ask him, “How was your day, and what did you do?” This lasted about a week, until he asked me if I could please be asleep when he got home.
Health and Wellness
My friends who are not police wives have no clue what we go through; they give terrible advice because they don’t understand the lifestyle. I can’t tell you how many well-meaning friends have said, “Just get a divorce, it will be better!” We need to be taught what to expect, and how to deal with the challenges of being a
police wife.
That all changed in May 2016, when I found the won-
ROSE CASALE
As any woman can imagine, I was deeply hurt. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t want to talk to me, let alone ap- preciate the fact that I waited up for him, even though I had to get up at 5 a.m. to get to my nursing job on time.
We were married two years when my husband came home one night very dirty, and he smelled awful. I asked him what had happened at work, and all he said was that someone tried to commit suicide. Rob and his partner had to hold up the man by his calves to keep him from hanging himself. He was dan- gling from the rope he had made from heavy-duty extension cords. They fought hard with him for about five minutes until they could untangle the cords from his neck. Rob changed after that day, becoming quiet and distant.
A couple of months later, a female officer with whom he was working committed suicide with her service weapon. I did not know it at the time, but our relationship as I knew it was over. A third person had entered into our marriage, a woman that I was very angry with until just recently. The guilt over her death consumed Rob. It seemed to me that my husband spent more time grieving over a woman he barely knew than he spent car- ing about us, his family. He was emotionally numb, had trou- ble sleeping, avoided me and only left the house when he ab- solutely had to. I couldn’t understand many of the things that were happening in my marriage.
I tried twice to get him to see a counselor. Both counselors were nice people, but they had no idea what his job was like or how to help him, which left him defeated. This went on for six years.
I woke up one morning and wondered if he was cheating on me, or if he even still loved me, because we seemed more like roommates than husband and wife. We barely communicated, and when we did, it was about our daughter — Did she eat? Did she poop? — or about superficial things like the weather or the news. We did everything we could to stay away from each other. I went from a newlywed happily staying awake to greet my husband, to making sure I was sleeping — or pretending to be — to avoid having to talk to him.
Rob finds it hard to relax in social situations. As soon as people find out who he is, the questions, criticism, stories and jokes start, and he gets uncomfortable. I’ve had to walk away from friends who think that all Police Officers are bad based on the actions of a few. My response is, “There are bad people in every profession, including yours, and I don’t judge you based on that, so don’t judge my husband!” I have had to tell people
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derful organization Serve & Protect by accident. I happened to be leaving work late one day and heard the founder, Rob Mi- chaels, giving a radio interview. As I listened, I realized what was wrong with my husband — he was suffering from trauma. By making one phone call to Mr. Michaels, I was able to finally find someone in the Chicago area who understood what my husband was going through, who could help him heal his emo- tional wounds. We were eventually able to start working on the restoration of our broken marriage.
Today, I am the director of trauma services and spouse sup- port for Serve & Protect. I quit my nursing job to volunteer full- time and have found my life’s passion, my calling. The best part is that not only do I help the officers, I am able to help their spouses, too. I am grateful for the challenges that we have faced in our marriage because now I can use them to help others. That is what drives me to encourage the spouses out there who feel like I have felt for all these years: that there is no help, that we are alone, and that no one cares.
The calling to be a first responder does not just end with the officers — it becomes our way of life, too. But no one taught us how to communicate, or when to be silent and give space. No one explained the “Rules of Interaction.”
When we start to educate and support each other, we are empowered to make better decisions for ourselves and our families. We become able to recognize when our spouses are going through rough times, and we learn how to handle it and where to go for help. We need to be able to accept that we need help, and we need to have a safe place to find that help.
This is why I am starting a new support group for CPD spous- es. We will meet on a regular basis and have guest speakers and resources available. The first meeting will take place on Thurs- day, May 31 at 6 p.m. at the FOP Hall. Please email me and let me know if you will be able to attend and if you will need child care. My email is rose@serveprotect.org.
Remember, we are stronger together.d
Rose Casale, RN, BSN, is director of trauma services and spouse support for Serve & Protect. The wife of a police officer since 2008, Rose is committed to the well-being of all officers and their families, experiencing firsthand the challenges that families of LEOs encounter on a daily basis. She has located resources and offered support to hundreds of first responders and their spous- es, helping them work together to create healthy and lasting re- lationships.