Page 58 - August 2018

A contribution from a Chicago Lodge 7 Magazine sponsor
Don’t steal the joy from my life
When you marry a police officer, it isn’t a mar- riage — it’s a way of life. No matter how much
I remember one time when Rob was home, in front of the TV. After three hours I said, “What are you doing?” He said, “I am watching the game!” I replied, “Really? Because the TV hasn’t even been on for the last three hours, and what is
ROSE CASALE
u
u know, nothing can prepare you for the life
you are going to live. A police officer’s job is to protect. Officers are on duty 24/7/365. They don’t come home and hang up their badges. It’s a way of life for them, and for their spouses and families as well.
y
y
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I learned this about four months into our marriage, when Rob found out I was going to the Fourth of July fireworks. He said, “I have to work,
and I wish you wouldn’t go.”
I went. What a night of great food, fun people and fireworks
— until the finale, when people started running. We sat there thinking, “Where is everyone going? The show isn’t over yet!”
Right as the fireworks stopped, my flip phone rang. It was Rob, and he was really mad. He told us that someone had been shot, and we should find officers and stand there until things cleared up. I had no idea why he was so mad. We found some officers and they asked us what was going on. When I told them I was Rob’s wife, one of the officers said, “I can’t believe he let you come here!”
I explained that he didn’t want me to, but I had been com- ing every year since high school and wasn’t going to stop doing things just because I was married. The officer shook his head, said, “He married you because he loves you and he wants to keep you safe!” and walked away.
The train ride to Bridgeport on the Red Line was not what we were expecting. My friend and I were very scared all the way to 35th Street, where Rob and his partner picked us up in their police car. Rob did not speak, and his partner just pulled up to our apartment and said, “Out!”
Another time, I said, “Let’s go to Millennium Park for the concert tonight!” His response: “They are having a flash mob downtown!”
I suggested Navy Pier, and he rolled his eyes and walked away. We didn’t go anywhere, and we stayed mad at each other all day! I asked myself, “What is wrong with this guy?”
Whenever we would go somewhere, I was amazed that peo- ple would recognize Rob as an officer, even in street clothes. I now realize he is always on the job, scanning his surroundings, looking for bad guys. It turns out that cops and bad guys always know each other.
I now know when an officer is around. I hate to admit this, but I have become a room scanner, too.
There were times when Rob didn’t feel like going out and be- ing social; let’s face it, officers can’t relax when they are out of their comfort zone. They are worried about what might hap- pen. We have had many arguments about social functions. Sometimes we were all ready to go, waiting for Rob to come home from work, but some person needed help and he couldn’t leave, so we missed the event.
I work with couples every day who call Serve & Protect be- cause their marriage is at the end of a rapidly fraying rope. Most spouse complaints are that the LEO steals the joy from their lives, or when their officers are home, they are not fully present — they don’t help around the house or with the chil- dren.
58 CHICAGO LODGE 7 ■ AUGUST 2018
mates.
One of the most important lessons we have learned is to
maintain intimacy in our marriage. Intimacy is not just a physical connection, but the ability to communicate and con- nect on an emotional level. The first roadblock to intimacy is learning that we are a team — equal partners who must col- laborate for the marriage to be successful. If women perceive a lack of communication, our emotional needs are not being met. And I guarantee that if our emotional needs are not being met, you are only going to get hallway sex: When we pass you in the hallway and are so mad that all you get is an evil eye and a “screw you!”, so you raise your middle finger and go your sep- arate ways.
Marriage is not a race that ends at the finish line; it is a full- time job. I have yet to encounter a marriage like a Disney mov- ie, where the prince and princess ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Remaining curious about your partner and his or her life is another important step to maintaining in- timacy. It is important to not let the busyness of life get in the way. I love when Rob asks me about my day or includes me in the craziness of his. I tell officers to share the basics of their day with their spouses. If they want to know more, and you are OK with that, go ahead and share more if they are handling it well.
Schedule weekly alone time; one hour a week does wonders for couples. Date nights are necessary to keep the connection strong, and I insist on at least one per month. Dates don’t have to be elaborate. Send the kids away and stay home; go for a picnic in the park; find a place to watch the sunset. One rule for dates: no phones. This is your together time!
Lastly, I highly recommend that you and your spouse go on- line to www.5lovelanguages.com and take a free test to find out your love languages, so you can love each other the way you need to be loved.
The next meeting of the Family Resource Outreach Group will be Aug. 23 at 7 p.m. at the FOP Lodge. The topic will be “First Responders: Why do they act that way...Marriage 101!” All first responders and their families are welcome. Please let me know if you will attend and if you need child care. My email is rose@serveprotect.org, or call me at 630-318-2229.
Remember, we are stronger together! d
Rose Casale, RN, is director of trauma services and spouse sup- port for Serve & Protect. The wife of a police officer since 2008, Rose is committed to the well-being of all first responders and their families, experiencing firsthand the daily challenges they face. She has located resources and offered support to hundreds of first responders and their spouses, helping them to work to- gether to create healthy and lasting relationships.
Health and Wellness
going on with you?”
After all the challenges we have encountered, I cer-
tainly understand. I sometimes felt like a single parent, alone, with no support. If the issues are not addressed early, many couples end up like we did...living like room-