Page 245 - Some Dance to Remember

Some Dance to Remember 215

voice. Ryan knew all the right words. He kept his place in the chair, and
built the story to a pitch that caused Thom’s hips to rise and his hand to
pull wildly on his cock until, grinding his teeth, and moaning like a dying
soldier, Thom’s load shot straight up into the air. At full tilt, Thom sported
the usual six inches. Thom kept his hand on his dick and fell back into the
space where a man is asleep but not asleep with his hand wrapped wet and
sticky around his shrinking hard-on.
Ryan did not disturb him. He simply took three final, lackluster
strokes, looking at his brother, then shot off into his own hand, sad he
had not cum with Kick, but happy that he had, no matter how pro forma
the mercy-fuck, calmed his brother down to a post-ejaculation doze. Talk
about the naked and the dead! Ryan’s only solace was that every time he
got Thom off was one more reason Thom, unlike Abe, could never have
any Attitude toward him about his homosexuality.
Their little scene, staged partly for me, dramatized, as Ryan intended—
always pulling me in as reluctant witness to his confidences, a special
hybrid of homomasculine sex: two brothers, one gay and one straight,
jerking off together. Ryan could have won Thom’s inchworm contest, but
the gentleman in him allowed his brother his myopic fantasy. Ryan bit
his lip and slapped the face of the sassy size-queen who lives inside every
gay man. He sat in sticky silence, connecting disconsolate Energy over
the miles with Kick, eschewing competition with Thom for Kick’s ideal
of communication. Ryan wanted no more than an exorcism, a sexual heal-
ing, a sensual crack in his brother’s macho armor. I tippled off the brandy.
The scene was not without success. Ryan had calmed Thom down to an
earlier sleep than he had experienced since before the Tet Offensive or his
marriage to Sandy—two not dissimilar traumatic events.
Kweenie with her own taste for sibling passion had a few choice words
for Ryan. “You’re a bastard,” she said. “You do it with Thom but you don’t
do it with me. It’s not incest that bothers you, is it? You’d have done it
with me long ago if I had been your brother and not your sister. That’s
the bottom line, Ry. You’ve always wished I was your little brother and
not your little sister. You reject me for something I can’t help. What am I
supposed to think about that, when I love you like I do?”
“Revenge,” Ryan said.

6

One of Ryan’s most poignant Journal entries was about Solly: Thanks-
giving 1975.

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