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A Curator Writes January & February 2018

“‘Ring out the old, ring in the new! Ring, happy bells, across the Contemporain de Bordeaux, as well as regularly dusting down Liam
snow!’” I chant the words of dear Lord Tennyson to my new assistant, Gillick’s floor-based work for the duration of the exhibition.”
Chuck, as he brings in my afternoon cup of Darjeeling. Just as I used Chuck puts Tiddles down.
to bark at my old fag at Eton, Sebastian. Out with the old and in with “I don’t mean TBR, and tell me to go sips tea if you want, but TBH
the new, and all that. you’ve got to be thirsty for a job after all this time, right? If there
Chuck might walk in a funny, lopsided way, but he has an upbeat was one important lesson I learned from my curator-in-training
American disposition that was sadly lacking in Rodolf, his prede- programme at Western Illinois Museum, it was this: what does your
cessor. He’s also a natural when it comes to feeding Tiddles the cat, squad say?”
who he picks up and cradles after setting my tea down. “Well, if I understand what you’re saying, what most of my
“My pussy looks so happy with you, Chuck,” I observe kindly. ‘squad’ are saying is, ‘I have never knowingly or purposefully
“You know, Chuck, would you like me to tell you about my strengths behaved in a bullying, intimidating, harassing or sexually inappro-
and weaknesses?” priate manner’.”
“Are you throwing shade?” Chuck answers. He is only two “On fleek!”
weeks into his unpaid internship, and still unsure of I sit and sip my Darjeeling, mulling over which of
himself, like a fawn starting to understand the the many skeletons in my closet might be hanging
grace and power of her long legs. there for reasons unrelated to life-drawing
“Don’t worry, Chuck. I’m just or anatomy studies. And the fact that
practising for the job offers that I’m still doing the mulling some five
are going to be coming my way minutes later answers my question.
this New Year. Perhaps I’ll take It’s like being Ezekiel in the Valley
up the Jewish Museum post, of Dry Bones, watching the dead
although of course I’m a High being resurrected. Dem bones,
Anglican, like dear T.S. Eliot. dem bones, dem dry bones…
Or I might fancy a bit of an And that’s when I see the
advisory role with an intel- future. When I realise I’m not
lectually renowned non- a curator; I’m a prophet.
profit foundation in Paris “Our great glory is not
– although, my boy, I can in never failing, but in rising
tell you I fear I might not every time we fail,” I say to
be allowed back again in my young American disciple,
that city after the incident in once his nervous fidgeting has
Les Chandelles following the become almost uncontrollable.
recent Nalini Malani opening. “At Western Illinois did they by
I can tell you that the maquette of chance teach you anything about
César’s golden thumb sculpture came how to become an art consultant?”
in handy that evening…” “Sure thing, bruh, it’s what all of us are
“Wow!” says Chuck in his charming Illinois going to do. It’s total goals for all of us.”
accent. “Have you been offered all these jobs?” “Well, of course, if it was good enough for Bernard
“… or perhaps a foundation in Buenos Aires. I hear Argentina Berenson, the great American art-historian whose book Italian
is beautiful in the spring…” Painters of the Renaissance you must of course be familiar with from
“So many offers! And after your long period of, er, resting, this the reading list at Western Illinois…”
is just G.O.A.T.!” He throws Tiddles up in the air and catches the “Swipe left!”
startled-looking cat on her rapid descent. “It’s lit! Which one are you I settle back to deliver my lecture: “Berenson was something
going to do, Ivanhoe?” of a proto-art consultant, rubber-stamping anything that dear Lord
“Ah, well, to be honest, Chuck, I haven’t received any actual Duveen twisted his arm into. Surely now is the time for experts like
offers as yet, and there’s the formality of job interviews, which even me to lend our knowledge to new collectors, albeit for a small price.”
someone as distinguished as myself has to undergo. I just thought, “I can’t even, Ivanhoe, ho.”
given the way things are going with my peers, and the terrible luck “Yes you can, Chuck. Yes you can,” I reassure him. “You have just
they’re having, that there’d be quite a few openings for a star curator the qualities to be an art consultant’s assistant. Consult the diary! Let
like myself. I mean, I was an uncredited assistant on Chambres d’Amis us make haste to our first art fair. We must lend our minds to those
in Ghent back in 1986…” who need them!” And with that, and a ticket to Geneva, my career
“Dope. But that was 31 years ago…” plans for 2018 start to take shape. “‘When I dipt into the future far as
“And I took Nicolas Bourriaud’s notes when he formulated rela- human eye could see, Saw the Vision of the world and all the wonder
tional aesthetics during the exhibition Traffic at the CAPC Musée d’Art that would be.’” I. Kurator

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