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first person STORY JASON HAHN

Regular readers will know “Aiyah, where got same? Burst a she stared at her phone. “Oh. My.
that in the little flat I share with pimple not the same as pull out a God. This is amazing! Errrk!” she
Saffy and Amanda, Dr Sandra Lee hair!” sucked in her breath as a neck was
occupies a spot somewhere “Excuse me.” Saffy’s voice twisted. “Hey, some of these
between Oprah and Gal Gadot. In was frosty. “I’ve watched the doctors are quite hot! Wait, are they
other words, you haven’t seen this Instagram videos of that woman doctors or chiropractors or physi-
kind of blind devotion since Saffy you follow…what’s her face… otherapists? How come they’re all
first laid eyes on a shirtless Chris Tweezist or something? That is Indians? Oh, he’s cute!”
Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy. some serious sickness she’s got Meanwhile, I replied to Don:
Every morning, we diligently going on there! First of all, who has “Just watched one. Gawd, that’s too
tap Dr Lee’s YouTube channel to that many ingrown hairs on their scary! Nothing shiok about that!”
see what amazing new dermatologi- body? And secondly, have you seen “That’s because it’s not my
cal problem she’s solving that day. the gunk that comes out when she neck.”
Sometimes, it’s epidermoid cysts pulls the hair? Oh my God, just “Ask him if there’s a Dr
that look like chocolate sauce, and talking about it makes me want to Sandra Lee equivalent for neck
others like dried up hardboiled egg. heave!” crackers!” Saffy called out. By this
Or, it might be a wobbly lipoma “I don’t think it’s all her hair stage, she’d plugged her earphones
popping out of a shoulder. And on lah! Ay, you want ice kachang?” into her iPhone. “Oh, wow, he’s
good days, you have a giant
infected cyst on a belly that gushes
like a waterfall when cut open. I suggest you stop
People think our obsession is
weird. The other day, Sharyn watching the zit-
announced that it really disturbed
her she was friends with people
who watch the excisions of pilar popping videos….You should
cysts while eating Economy Mee for watch neck-cracking. More shiok.
breakfast. Make better use of your speakers.
Saffy looked up from her
phone in surprise. “Why? What’s
wrong?”
Sharyn stared hard at the Sharyn said, demonstrating, not right! The cracking sounds even
image on Saffy’s screen — Dr Lee for the first time, her complete better in stereo!”
was busy snipping away at a bulge inability to fully escalate an Later that night, Amanda said
on some poor woman’s head. “How argument. she was not watching any neck-
to eat liddat? Aiyoh!” she sighed. “I Later that day, just as Saffy cracking videos.
got no appetite now!” had finished giving me a particularly “But they’re so good!” Saffy
Saffy put down her fork, hit graphic, stomach churning re-enact- told her.
pause on her phone and adjusted ment of how Tweezist inserts a “That’s why I’m not watching
her bra strap to give her bosom needle under her skin to loosen the any! You know I have an addictive
extra room in which to expand. trapped hair, my phone pinged. It personality. I can barely keep up
“Excuse me, but aren’t you the one was a message from my friend Don with Dr Pimple Popper and Tweezist,
who sits on the loo and watches that said: “I suggest you stop so how…”
in-grown hairs being pulled out?” watching the zit-popping videos…. Saffy moaned. “No! Don’t tell
If Sharyn, famously known in You should watch neck-cracking. me you watch those awful videos,
school by her nickname ‘Iron Board’ More shiok. Make better use of your too!”
Wong, could have inflated her speakers.” “Oh, they’re good!” Amanda
bosom with any significant effect, “Neck-cracking?” Saffy asked. sighed. “Her captions are hysterical.
she would have. As it was, she “Is that a thing?” I think she’s Korean. You have to
contented herself with an undigni- “Who knows? It takes a lot to really admire her technique, she’s
fied yelp. surprise me these days,” I replied so precise!”
“Ay, you dohn anyhow say ting as we both went onto YouTube. “But the slimy bits at the end
liddat in public, can? Wait, my boss Within seconds, I was shoving a of the hair follicle are just so gross!”
hear, then how?” clenched fist into my mouth to stop “That’s the best part!”
Saffy pursed her lips from yelling. Sharyn says it amazes her
stubbornly. “Well, don’t you?” From her supine position on that between the four of us, we actu-
Sharyn waved her hands. the couch, Saffy’s eyes widened as ally have seven university degrees.

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