Page 177 - Student: dazed And Confused

resolution of Deano’s story against the background of the gangs wasds convincing.
Shane’s phone call to the hospital, his very profound real-but-metaphorical piece
with the cigarette lighter and Kirsty’s final pay off for the ‘say it’s mine’ speech made
for a wonderful eending.
There was a slight issue with the housing issue plot, which came across as a bit
rushed. Otherwise, this was a successful piece of dramatic showing evidence of
talented writing and excellent collaborative, despite some early difficulties. You
managed to take on bvoard the help proffered and to allow a real play to emerge.
This became after some struggle a really excellent script. The use of different voices
for the housing officer and the people of the area were well crafted as were the
differences in the generations portrayed. The use of the housing officer as a semi
choric semi narrative voice was very successful. The growth of Shane and the
tensions of his environment read well. All the characters had the opportunity to
respond to the central tension charting their own change. The text was both reall
and poetic imbuing the whole and enabling the audience to enter the world of the
characters. I found both the text and the charactewrs compelling, the piece had
holistic feel which had clearly been worked on by the group. Some really exceptional
writing throughout.
Individual writing -
There was good variety in the extracts you presented. The Chaos piece was a lively
monologue which used physical interaction with the other characters to good effect.
I wasn’t sure why Chaos was going to smash the mirror (it works in context)
however. There was wit and elegance in the writing.
I thought the second Deano monologue was better than the first - it got straight into
the action, not trying to go into too much backstory. I also liked ‘we like our blood on
the inside but the B13 Posse liked it on the outside’. However, there was some vivid
use of language in the first one as well.
Your scenes with multiple characters (oh n god, im multitasking - somebody smack
me) were full of vivid, believable dialogue (o h . yay). However, you tended to use
short, filmic scenes and to use them for storytelling rather than combining story
telling with dramatic tension within the scenes themselves. This is a classic mistake
often made by film writers (yep, that’s me) moving to stagge writing.
Analytic discussion - you make many good points both sbout the nature of
collaboration and about theatrical performance. You showed that you had
understood the importance of conflict and obstacles, objectives, theatricality and the
world of the play.
You do refer to Taylor and to Gooch (random quotes) when discussing some of the
points you make about the writing, but if you had used the full 2599 wordsI think you
could have examined some of these challenges in greater depth and detail.

OVERALL MARK - 66