Page 434 - Total War on PTSD

The timing of my deployment wasn’t ideal. You see, I was the new guy that arrived three months after everybody else had already deployed. This meant that they had already established their circle of friends — and I wasn’t one of them.
But eventually, I actually did make a friend. His name was Jones, and he was the first person to show any real concern for me.
I remember very vividly one day as we were working near a checkpoint, Jones warned me to keep my head down because there had been snipers taking pop shots at people all day. I appreciated his genuine concern and felt a sense of protection as someone more senior was looking out for me. We said goodbye as I mounted my truck and we rolled out. Just moments later, I would hear on the radio a call for a nine-line medevac.
Jones had been shot by a sniper. He passed away that day.
But the mission pressed on. I would continue to witness a series of events that no person should ever have to see. I struggled. I felt alone. I felt worried and sad all the time. And these struggles were only amplified during my second deployment.
Why was I struggling so bad when everyone around me seemed to be fine? Again, my insecurity as a man attacked. I began believing that I was a weak Soldier because of the way these events bothered me. After all, I was a Soldier, so these things shouldn’t bother me, right?
I thought leaving the military would make things better. But when I left, my struggles only increased. I was filled with anxiety and depression and began searching for my identity. Suicide seemed like a logical option for peace.
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