Page 782 - Total War on PTSD

“No other animal bonds to a human being the way a dog does. And I suspect there is no other animal to which human beings can bond the way we can bond to a dog.” - Robert Crais
Courtenay: One thing that still very much bothers me...something that I am pretty sure will always bother me because I see no path to resolution...is the time that I had to be brought back to life with a crash cart. Of course, I wasn't 'there' nor aware of anything when it actually happened but I found out about it a year and a half later.
My Navy Doctor never told me it happened, my attorney did, when she found mention of it in my medical record. Now every time I see a television show, movie, or anything else on television or the big screen that relates to having to use a crash cart to shock someone and bring them back I think about what happened to me. I imagine looking down at myself from above the table, where they were shocking my heart to bring me back. What could have happened is they might not have brought me back at all...my heart wouldn't have started back up, and I would never have known any different.
It would have been the same as if I had actually followed through with suicidal ideation...I just wouldn't exist. The only difference is that, in one situation I wasn't responsible, and in the other I would have been. In one I would have no excuse and in the other I would. This is a major source of anger for me, as well as disappointment, and it's the reason that it takes a lot for me to trust any doctor. I have been at the edge...but I have valued my own life and the lives of those I love too much to ever actually carry through with it. Having the courage to step back from the edge shows so much more strength than stepping forward into nothingness. I hope to each
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