Page 808 - Total War on PTSD

“No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.” - Christopher Morley
Courtenay: Like George, I had to get used to my own PTSD and its related triggers, so that I could continue to function on a daily basis. One thing I recall from deployment was walking in my combat boots, the gravel shifting under foot, mixing with the sand that was ground to the consistency of baby powder, covering everything with a cloud of dust. Shielding my eyes, I can still feel the rumble of the trucks approaching underfoot.
I still have the same reaction here at home, feeling and hearing the trucks and trying to manage my reactions until I can get away from the noise. My heart-rate spikes and my palms get sweaty if I can't get away from noises like that quickly enough. Like the ignorance of others...some members of the general public, better known as 'civilians', who set off fireworks around the 4th of July; not even thinking about how the sounds and sights of the explosions bother those who served in a war zone. Instead, my tension drags me forward and, with blinders on, I try my best to ignore the sounds and my reaction.
I felt, and still feel, like I failed those who passed away in Afghanistan and even afterwards. I never went to the ramp ceremonies despite repeated invitations and sincerely wanting to honor our dead. It was difficult enough for me to deal with the rocket attacks and other on-base activities, but attending the ramp ceremonies would have been pushing the limit farther than I knew, or thought, I could go.
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