Page 908 - Total War on PTSD

changed me into a disciplined, assertive, confident and well-rounded person. I experienced trauma before the military, which left me somewhat defeated and unsure of myself, so my early years of service changed that around for the most part. I accomplished things I never thought I would, such as my extensive military schooling, to include airborne school and Jumpmaster status (the 2nd female in my career management field), being a First Sergeant/1SG in a Division and in combat (first female ever in my career management field). I would have never done anything like that before the military pushed and motivated me. Part of it was that I was always overcompensating...always trying to seek approval. In the back of my mind, I still believe I am that same person with the same abilities and skills who can still accomplish whatever I set my mind to; but it's way back there.
Unfortunately, the negative experiences are in the forefront of my mind, overshadowing anything I think about doing or accomplishing. With all of the horrific things I have seen, the Soldiers I've buried, the death I've had to deal with, the secrets I've had to hear and keep, has left me with an inability to have faith, to trust others, to meet people and develop relationships, and I basically became a recluse. It's difficult to attend public events when most of the time you are watching everyone else, looking for a way out, or standing alone along the perimeter because you don't want to get caught up in the crowd. It's being alone 98% of the time because being around people raises your anxiety; or every little thing someone says triggers an anger episode; or that you just don't enjoy people because you're waiting for the hammer to fall; for them to lie to you or betray you; or to take advantage of you. That's the person I ended up being by the time I retired. I used to feel that I would support my family members and my children if they chose to serve in the military but that is no longer the case.
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