Page 405 - WhyAsInY

Portrait of a (first) MarriaGe
(Every once in a while, Rabbi Ben-Porot would let one of the congre- gants serve as the chazan, the person who leads the service. After a while, relying on the little knowledge that had stuck to me from my time at the East Midwood Jewish Center’s Hebrew School and on what I had soaked in from my attendance at services, I learned how to be the chazan, not only for Mincha/Maariv but also for Shacharit, the morning service, as well.)
After the seven-day shiva period, Harry would continue to attend daily services in the chapel as often as he could, and there were few Saturday or holiday services in Temple Israel Center that he would miss. This would not be difficult for him. Starting after the shiva period, during which he had lived with us, Harry spent virtually every weekend at our house, arriving on Friday and leaving late on Sunday or early on Monday. And he spent a considerable number of days with us during the midweek periods as well. I felt for Harry and understood that he had suffered a horrific loss, but, after a few months, I questioned why he didn’t spend any time with Arthur’s family (Michael was living alone at the time). Arthur, after all, was next in line to be the paterfamilias, and Adele was usually a very willing hostess. For a very long time, I never asked that question out loud; I felt that it was just impossible to ask Phyllis to take some action to give us more space. Since Sylvia’s death, Phyllis, at least in Harry’s head, had stepped into Sylvia’s role and pro- vided company, comfort, food, and love for him. Phyllis clearly felt needed by her father, and she was merely playing a role that she had always played well, being the dutiful young daughter, holding the U’rchatz vessel at the Seder table for him, as it were.
This would have been all right for some period of time, but there was no letup, and it’s not as if Harry was not a huge presence when he was in our home. Harry could fill a room, and he continued to do so. He, somewhat like Harvey, liked to be the center of attention, and Sylvia’s absence caused what I came to see as the loss not just of her but also of someone who softened Harry and kept him under control. He had no concept, at least as I saw it, of giving me, or Phyllis and me, any space, except when he would sit down on the couch next to me after Friday
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