Page 501 - WhyAsInY

sinGleD; out
thought as to what was to come; my focus was entirely inward and to the past. I was sad, angry, certainly depressed, feeling the victim, without real focus, alone, and lonesome. Except for the children, Richard Kresch, M.D, people at the office, and friends such as Charlie, all of whom were very important, there were no constants to fall back on. I was about forty years old at the time of the split—and my life was over.
Gradually, however, good sense and biology took over. Since high school I had always liked the company of girls/women; in fact, I had generally preferred their company to that of boys/men. In time, I thought that I was ready, so I forced myself to make some calls in an effort to meet someone, anyone, who would appeal to me and, here’s the rub, who would make me feel better. That is neither a laudable nor a realistic goal, however. Only I could have made me feel better, and that was a function of resolve, effort, and time. But, as I said, I plunged for- ward. And what happened? At first, I had a fair number of dates, none of whom appealed to me to the point where I wished to pursue a second date, let alone a relationship, but many of whom said precisely the same thing to me: “You’re not ready.”
They were right, but how did they know? Easy. Having a need for companionship and conversation, I probably had only one topic that I could really address: my marriage and its failure. This, it turns out, is not a topic of the least bit of interest to someone who is looking forward, presumably has had her own past, and has wisely put that topic aside. Anyway, notwithstanding the fact that I have spent about three full chapters on it, even I know that my first marriage is unlikely to be of any interest to anyone, except perhaps my children. (Certainly not Kathy, who is generally polite about it but is bored to tears by the subject when it comes up.) I write, in part, as a therapeutic exercise, but it is a rare first date who wants to serve as a therapist (even though, as it turns out, I learned that there are an incredible number of single female psycholo- gists out there). Equally important, women do not generally find neediness to be attractive in men. And neediness is not something to camouflage; it is something to overcome. Once they tell you that you’re not ready, there is absolutely nothing that you can say.
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