Page 14 - The 'X' Chronicles Newspaper March/April 2018 Edition

14 Contacting the Non-Existent Dead

I Asked Psychics to people who declared their intentions and passed
their tests, and offered to give me a reading that
Connect with My Non- would reveal secrets about me that not even my
closest friends know. I declined.
Existent Dead Sister I'm not sure Psychic Four understood my
confession: "Well darling, you have a sister and

Continued from Page 13 protects you! And loves you.. You take care of
your self (sic) you need meditation and I am
sorry for your loss again."
My fourth and last psychic was 30
I don't think any of these women
minutes late for our meeting at her downtown
intentionally bullshitted me. I'm sure they
condo because she hadn't expected traffic to be
believe they possess abilities to communicate
so bad (should've taken that as a sign). She
with the dead and tap into people's lives. But,
charged the most, but I received a 45-minute
again, out of four psychics—people who claim
check-in-on-Emily/see-your-future combo that
to have special powers to know greater truths—
was leagues above the others in experience and
not one noticed that the very premise I
sheer entertainment.
approached them on was phoney. Maybe it's
because I sprung for the cheaper ones. Maybe
Psychic Four was very motherly, constantly
it's because I found them on Kijiji. Maybe I'm
calling me "darling" and telling me how sorry
fantastic enough of a liar that, like Psychic Three
she was for my loss. Her method of Emily-
said, I managed to conjure up enough spiritual
contact was a mix of prayer and coffee-dregs
energy to bring Emily into existence. (I guess
reading. She made me a small cup of Turkish
there's also the possibility that they all knew I
coffee and when I finished the liquid, she placed
the saucer on top of the cup, had me hold it with paid and I won't be some pleb—I'll start pretty was lying but didn't care because I was paying
both hands while moving my arms in a circle high up the ladder, thank you very much. She them.) Or maybe psychic powers don't really
three times and then flip the cup and saucer over also sensed I studied something like social work exist.
and put it on the table. She put a blue glass cube and the coffee dregs told her I went to the Besides reaffirming my belief that I'm a
with white circles on all six sides on top of the University of Toronto (I majored in journalism great liar and should do it more, my test also
overturned cup and had me to put my finger on at Ryerson). gave me some insight on how psychics work.
the cube and make a wish. I did, and she asked Emily wanted me to be happy and They're talented when it comes to finding ways
me for the photo. I handed her my phone. She wanted to get some rest too. It's important to squeeze emotions out of you and make general
put a small statue of a Turkish philosopher and remember her and even talk to her but it isn't statements that allow you to fill in the blanks
an angel snow globe in front of me and told me healthy to dwell on her death, Psychic Four yourself—you're contributing to your own
to hold on to both and praying while she turned said, and for the first time that day, I began to deception (example: They say they sense a
on her laptop and started playing weird reverb- understand how some people can find going to female presence watching over you, at which
heavy New Age music featuring a man and a psychic comforting. She hugged me a few point you say, "Oh shit, my
woman speaking about being intoxicated on times as I was getting ready to leave and the last aunt/grandma/mom/friend/cousin/sister/teacher
love (not Beyonce style, unfortunately). She thing she said as I stepped out the door was, died a little while ago—it MUST be her!"). I
was going to ask Emily to make herself known "Life is a gift." think so many people turn to psychics because
to me. As much as I liked Psychic Four they help ease the fear of the great unknown that
After 10 minutes of bowing my head though... She was fourth out of four psychics is death and give meaning and purpose to
and trying really hard not to laugh, the music that had apparently connected with a non-exist seemingly unfair and random events in our
stopped. Emily. Thirteen-year-old me had been chaotic universe. To me, that's a form of preying
The psychic, who'd had her hand on my vindicated. Houdini was smiling down on me. on the weak and exploiting people at their most
phone screen the whole time, said she had felt it Still mildly in disbelief that I had emotionally vulnerable, but if you believe in the
shaking and that it was probably a sign Emily successfully bullshitted my way through four afterlife and psychic powers, I can understand
was around (my friend had sent me two texts psychics, I decided to follow up with all of them how the experience would be comforting - after
around that time). She also said she had been via text (email, in Psychic Two's case) to see all, who doesn't want to know that a loved
praying and crying with me too (I'm recovering how they would react to the fact they had family member, living or dead, is doing okay?
from a cold and sniffled a few times to try to claimed to connect with someone who didn't So, there you have it, my first (and
keep mucus from dripping out of my nose). She exist. probably last, since I'm apparently shitlisted)
took the statue, closed her eyes and murmured Psychic One: "There's a spirit around foray into psychic-busting. I'm not going to tell
for 30 seconds, then took the glass cube off the trying to tell you something, but why would you people to stop seeing psychics - if it makes you
cup and lifted the cup. The dregs formed a do that anyway" happy and you have the cash, go wild. Whether
vaguely heart-shaped smear on the saucer. Psychic Two said it became obvious you go in as a believer or as a shithead like me,
"Love! You have love in your future! when I lied about the necklaces, nothing more. the psychics are the ones making bank, so either
And tears," she said, shaking a few drops of Psychic Three called me a few minutes way, in the end, they win. And who knows,
coffee free from the cup. after I sent my text. She said she read the picture maybe I have a sister I don't know about whose
The short version predictions are as and told me what the picture told her, and the birth and death dates I guessed right, in which
follows: I have two men competing for me, I picture told her the person in it was happy. It case, I should set up my own psychic shop. I'm
will pick one, be engaged by 2016, married by didn't necessarily mean she thought the picture sure Emily would approve. []
2017, and have two children (a boy and then a was of Emily. I asked her about the guardian
girl) immediately after. My mother, struck hard angel and passing on bit but she stood firm.
by Emily's death, will forget the pain once I give "The picture reading shows me what
her grandchildren. Emily is my guardian angel goes on in the past life and in this life ... So if it
who will deflect bad things from coming my shows me she was your guardian angel at one
way. She died young because God loves her so point, she was a guardian angel," she said. She
much and wanted her with him, and she's added that the reading wasn't accurate because I
wearing all white and dancing with her had come in with the intention to trick, that the
boyfriend in heaven. I, on the other hand, have energy I came in with was one about my sister
a long life ahead of me. I can afford to take this which is what she picked up on, that the whole
summer easy because I'll be hired into a full- thing wasn't very "civilized" of me and that
time job come September (I currently work full- she'd be calling other psychics and warning
time), and not only that, but the job will be well- them about me. She told me she's been tested by