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September 2010_june_july_2009.qxd 29/09/2010 11:00 PM Page 42 42 From The ‘X’ Zone Newsroom The Social Network: The skeleton profiles of fake people in order for convince them that, while too stupid to resist them to be added to their growing list of conquest, we have no brains worth feeding off product, not the movie growing fans, in order to show false support and so why go there? by DANIELLE TACKAS growing momentum. Take a look at the issues It is to my enduring shame that I can and positions, not how much other people seem quote from memory Skeletor's disparagement of The Social Network movie was released to "like" them. Earth in the sci-fi film Masters of the Universe last night, so I thought I'd write about the All that said, there's no better and easier as "this primitive and tasteless planet," but phenomena behind it and give it some free way to stay in touch with friends, reuniting with remember: tasting bad is a legitimate defence press. Your kid uses Facebook, actors, old ones and sharing your life with others, mechanism. politicians, charities; even tire manufacturers especially those far away, than with social The other reason I wish we had a UN and cans of soup have followers and fans. media, such as Facebook. It can also be used to office of aliens is to deal with the ones I am But Facebook has its drawbacks that promote many worthwhile causes. But, increasingly persuaded live among us. I'm not receive less attention and aren't as easily found. remember, it is not just a social media tool, it is talking about this week's news report that a few What do you give up by adding such a business, and can be used against us by people retired American air force officers and one NCO information as your favourite band, sandwich, who take us for saps and do not have our best claim aliens have been sniffing around their or if you become a "fan" of The Social Network interest in mind. So just know what you are nuclear sites for half a century. There are a lot of film? getting into. [] mighty weird people on this planet who don't Here are 10 "did you know?/buyer have the excuse that they came from Alpha beware" warnings about Facebook I've Aliens in high office Centauri and I don't see why the antics and compiled to help you become wiser social John Robson errors of a handful of them deserve media media users. Many may be no brainers and non- attention, however convenient it may be to life secrets, but often people learn of them from Apparently the UN has not in fact forms who convert strange stories into radio firsthand knowledge which comes too late. decided to appoint an ambassador to the little waves. 1. Anything posted online can be seen green men. Despite what you read in the Rather, I was trying to imagine the by anyone, any company, any marketer. Privacy newspapers, Mazlan Othman, head of its Office scenario where aliens land and say "Take us to settings are limited. A boss can check if you for Outer Space Affairs (UNOOSA), is not your leader" and we show them Dalton really are home sick, and a potential boss can being made responsible for co-ordinating McGuinty and they say "You must be pulling see if you're truthful in your application and humanity's response to alien contact. What a my tentacle. Who's really in charge?" how you present yourself in your everyday life. lost opportunity. And I suddenly thought that if they did Furthermore, your potential boss may be friends In the first place, as columnist Lorne meet the premier, they'd do some weird secret with someone who has full access to your Gunter noted, if invading aliens were to pull a Arcturian handshake and wink some odd visual information. "take me to your leader" stunt on the UN, there apparatus then waddle off as though nothing 2. Don't befriend strangers just for the is every hope that their lethal hordes would had happened to avoid blowing his cover. But sake of increasing your friend count. This can perish slowly and miserably in a massive it's too late because he gave the game away with lead to spam, and more importantly, some bureaucratic tangle of delay and inefficiency, his lost-in-space advice to families to save up people try to "friend you" to learn your e- their deadly laser blasts only making the red their laundry for weekends to conserve mail/background in order to hack your account, tape hot and sticky while the forms in triplicate electricity. and possibly even steal your identity and from gave off suffocating smoke. To be fair, Dalton McGuinty generally your friends and family. In the second place, Unoosa would does a plausible imitation of an Earthling. But 3. Social networking can cause make a great name for an alien. obviously he's from a planet where the beings psychological and physical harm. Learned In the third place, it would have been own many more garments than humans do, dirty information online has caused physical fights to darkly funny if, as initially reported, the UN had ones don't smell after six days in a heap and break out with police charges laid. Cyber- proposed a more inclusive approach to aliens. politicians can tell you when to wash your bullying occurs, by new friends, old friends, or Evidently the Outer Space Treaty of 1967, clothes even though they themselves don't do it people pretending to be a known friend. "Trolls" which UNOOSA really does oversee, obliges and you don't mind. stalk and deface online memorial pages only to UN members to protect Earth from And it escaped his notice that this planet further hurt those grieving. contamination by sterilizing alien species but, a isn't like that. A tiny error, but it's the little 4. Cool looking quizzes aren't just a way certain newspaper claimed Monday, "Othman is things that give you away. Like the character in to have fun or pass time. They're also used to understood to want a more tolerant approach." I the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy who did a learn things about you for marketing purposes. could have dined out on the UN putting the vital good job of blending in on Earth except for a 5. Facebook tracks your location, so it interests of mankind a distant second to those of shaky start when he decided Ford Prefect (it was can decide which of its paid advertising clients beings prone to erupting from our bellies, a 1950s British car) would make a nicely should appear in your web-browser. probing our brains after a perfunctory "I come inconspicuous name. 6. Facebook codes your interests, in peace" or falling implausibly in love with Now if we could just get the UN to co- favourites, and activities, and solicits that James Tiberius Kirk. ordinate our contacts with Premier McGuinty, it information for advertisers. Mind you, I am not one to support might keep both of them too busy to bother us 7. Some people become obsessed with travelling through space to locate exotic alien while we do our laundry, fend off alien spending time learning of people's agendas and races and perpetrate injustices upon them. invasions, get the state out of our basements and plans, recent activities and interests, instead of Indeed, I do not support travelling try to determine which stories in the newspaper living their own lives or for unkind purposes. through space at all; if we cannot make a decent have some foundation in fact. This is where safety concerns emerge. go of life on Earth I cannot imagine that some Unoosa, call home! [] 8. Gossip can be easily spread, and the moon of Saturn rendered inviting by truth is not as exciting, so the truth does not picturesque seas of liquid methane (at a bracing spread as fast or as well. minus 161.6 degrees C) would furnish a more To file a UFO Report 9. Watch what photos you let yourself be appropriate stage for our greed and folly. But taken in, including in the background of a survival is the first order of business, and even Go To stranger. Any picture can be posted. Photos are Stephen Hawking, not the most bellicose of www.ufocenter.com worth a thousand words, and have ruined individuals, says if there are aliens don't wave at The National Reporting Center reputations of people who thought themselves them because "The outcome for us would be to be respected and untouchable. It is a small much as when Christopher Columbus first or Call world, and with social media, it's even smaller. landed in America, which didn't turn out very UFO Hotline: 10. Don't be misled by apparent well for the native Americans." 206-722-3000 "popular" political candidates or causes. Many With luck their first contact with us campaigns have been criticized for creating through transmissions of I Love Lucy will