Page 61 - The 'X' Chronicles Newspaper - August/September 2017

Consistent Ghost Story Elements 61

Consistent Ghost Story

Elements

We all love a good ghost story, right? What
could be better than sitting around a fire,
flashlight aimed upward, casting creepy
shadows across your face and illuminating all
those boogers that nobody has the heart to tell
you about? What is more exhilarating than
piling into a much-too-small car with a few
larger-than-desirable friends and driving to that
bridge that your parents told you about? You
know, the one where your usually uptight dad
spent many an uncharacteristically-adventurous
night. What is better than constantly ragging on
the little wuss in the back seat who is
thought to take off and call for help. They all just little turds have gotten their stinking handprints
channeling the “guys-turn-around-we’re-gonna-
watched Joe hack up their brethren, and waited all over your car! It doesn’t matter where you
arrested” spirit, even though he is clearly afraid
their turn. Such a tragic incident would leave an go, it’s like these little touchy-feely kids have
of what everybody else is desperately hoping
imprint on the fabric of reality, right? Of course! never seen a car before, and apparently the
will happen? What is better than getting pulled
So when you are driving down the road, try to texture is simply amazing after you’ve bit the
over by the cop whose night was just a little too
keep and ear open for the screams of the victims dust. Kids have no consideration sometimes.
long, who is currently writing you a ticket for
or the ghost of a raggedy old man leering at you
having too many people in the car, half of whom
from the bushes. Roll Down the Windows
didn’t buckle their seat belts? Inhale deeply and
say it with me: “Awww, memories! I have my suspicions that this one was thought
Suicide Victim up by a really slow, down-on-his-luck serial
But for every original, spooky ghost
story you hear, there are 10 more that you hear Linda X was a depressed gal, living in the 18th killer who couldn’t run up and knife people
that sound pretty identical. Like, “we-have-a- century when apparently young girls killing before they took off, tires screeching. BUT, I
story-like-that-in-our-town-except…” kind of themselves were more tragic (don’t ask how, I could be wrong. Maybe it is just so hard to make
identical. Every story has it’s kernel of truth, but don’t know), when she was walking down the ghostly whispers over the sound of a car engine.
sometimes it feels like that kernel was road. She had a length of rope, and was making Maybe it is annoying to have to be blinded by
genetically cloned from a kernel in another towards the town’s covered bridge. the headlights. Maybe you have a lot to say, but
state, creating clone-corn ghost stories. Here are Conveniently, nobody noticed her leaving her you know as soon as you start trying to talk to
10 of the most common elements in the world of home or walking towards the bridge, rope in them, they’ll peel out. So, you reserve your
ghost stories. hand. Up went the rope, down went Linda, and ghostly efforts until they turn off their car.
now you can see it all with the residual-haunting
Creepy Nickname flashback! All you need is a covered bridge and Car Won’t Start
complete emotional disregard for some ancient Ok, so first, the ghosts refuse to show up unless
That headless railroad employee that roams the
girl’s self-inflicted demise.
tunnels looking for his lost head is simply not you turn off your car. Then, they won’t even let
allowed to go by his name in life. After his you leave. Ghosts can be pricks, sometimes.
Specific Time and Date They won’t pose for a picture, but they’ll fuck
demise, his spirit must adopt a nickname, one
that will scare the bejeezus out of the teenagers Back off this one, skeptics, because it is legit. with your engine something awful. ANd didn’t
looking for him. I mean, nobody likes a boring Some spirits are busy, and can only perform at the vast majority of ghosts die in the 1700’s or
ghost, am I right? Allen must now go to court to certain times. You can buy tickets, because an 1800’s? How the hell do they know how to
have his name legally changed. Allen has got to event like this is guaranteed to attract more dismantle a car? Doesn’t matter, I guess. They
go. Besides, you look more like a Headless curious teenagers than I’ve got run-on sentences just wait until you are seconds away from
Hank, or Decapitated Dale, anyway. in my introduction. And if you don’t see it, that having an aneurism, and then BAM! Your car is
is because the ghost got scared off by such a big working again.
Weather Just Right audience, not because it doesn’t exist.
Disappearing Hitchhiker
Most of those idiot skeptics out there will argue
Wedding Night Who knows why these dead people constantly
that the whole weather issue only exists so that
believers and legend-mongers will have a The ideal wedding night doesn’t involve dying, need rides, but they don’t thank you or anything.
scapegoat when you show up, and the ghost usually. But, if you want to become a ghost/local You see them with their thumb out, and you’re
doesn’t. Silly skeptics, logic is for kids! No, it is legend, this is your best shot. And sorry fellas, like, “Hey, looks like that girl in the white dress
clear that ghosts prefer certain weather. I mean, this only goes for the brides. A woman in a white with her mascara running could use a ride!” She
might as well make a show of it, right? Or, some dress is far creepier than a dude in a tux. And won’t talk to you the entire time, except to tell
ghosts manifest easier early in the foggy women dying on their wedding night are more you where to go, and for some reason, this won’t
morning, or during a full moon with plenty of tragic than men, because women actually want freak you out. The bitch will just stare straight
shadows, or a NEW moon with no light at all. it. And most men would tell you, that they die in ahead, won’t strike up a conversation, won’t say
Trust your peripheral vision, that ambiguous a much less literal sense on their wedding day thanks, won’t offer to pay gas, nothing. Then,
shadow or odd shape in the fog that you barely anyway. You don’t see us weeping by the road when you are almost there, she just bales on you.
caught out of the corner of your eye is the ghost for teenagers to gawk at. It is worth pointing out You look over, and *poof* she’s gone. You
coming out to enjoy the weather! that regardless of your marital status or the date somehow convince yourself that she had to gone
pertaining to Labor Day, female ghosts ALL jumped out, or that you were just hallucinating.
Result of Mass Murder wear the same dress to prom. But there isn’t a body splattered on the
pavement, and you haven’t dropped acid since
After talking to Satan, Joe Axe-Murderer took
Ghostly Handprints that concert 20 years ago…. Something smells
off in his 20-year-old pickup truck, found a
school bus full of homeless orphans, and hacked Children have to touch EVERYTHING, even fishy. So you go to her house, tell her parents
them all into tiny pieces. They were all so after they’ve died. You put a little powder on you were giving her a ride, and they tell you
petrified, that none of the 30-odd children your car, visit the burned-down orphanage, and she’s been dead for 6 years! Geesh, would’ve
when you’re back from snapping pictures, the been nice for her to tell you that!