Page 37 - 200808 - The 'X' Chronicles Newspaper - August 2008

From The ‘X’ Zone Newsroom 37 From The ‘X’ Zone Newsroom 37 What politicians can What politicians can by two men in the Georgia backwoods who Sernatur, Chile's tourism service, is learn from Bigfoot didn't go there looking for the mythical creature backing the initiative. learn from Bigfoot at all. No, they were searching for dinosaurs, "We support the creation of this UFO which would naturally seek refuge in a state trail because experts say that it is a 'hot zone' for already sundered by moonshiners, developers, watchers," the service's director, Oscar By John Bogert Gen. Sherman and Ted Turner. Santelices, told AFP. By John Bogert The pea brains in question were Matt However, just in case hordes of foreign I don't know who these always-spoken- Whitton, a police officer, and Rick Dyer, a tourists of the terrestrial variety turn up of American People are any more than you do. former prison guard, two men who claimed to expecting to get a close encounter of a first, But if I were to offer a crisp generality have stumbled across a creature weighing 560 second, third or -- heaven forbid -- fourth kind on a way to reach those people, it would be this. pounds and would stand (alien abduction) out of their trip, Sernatur had Keep it simple! 71/2 feet tall if it could stand. "In no way can we guarantee that a Christian congregation asks Mr. Presidential Which it couldn't on account of how it was tourist coming to San Clemente will see a Candidate if he believes in abortion he should dead. UFO," it said in its brochure. never go with, "Maybe this or maybe that." Somehow, and don't ask me because I'm The Chilean town has long been am What you do is what John McCain did just an ordinary American, they managed to sell unofficial destination for UFO-watchers in the the other day. You say, "No." And it really for an "undisclosed sum" (I'm betting two know, though mainstream curiosity-seekers doesn't matter that a string of Republicans have figures here) the reddish-haired "missing link" looking for a bit of interplanetary mystery have been voted into office disapproving of abortion to fellow missing link and "Bigfoot tracker" been more often drawn to neighboring Peru to while knowing darn well that they can't do a Tom Biscardi after he was shown a DNA see the Nazca Lines, those centuries-old thing about it. sample. Maybe it was even the same DNA gigantic representations of animals in a desert This goes for most major issues. sample that the AP said belonged to an which can only be fully appreciated from the air. Q: Gas prices? opossum, which happens to be a marsupial and UFO researchers say hundreds of UFO A: Offshore drilling. (Don't explain that not a link to anything except other road kill. sightings have been reported in San Clemente oil, no matter if its drilled in Torrance or Saudi During thawing, "Bigfoot experts" since the mid-1990s. Arabia. sells for the exact same world price). noticed that part of the creature's head was Rodrigo Fuenzalida, president of the Q: Global warming? "unusually hollow" which is a finding Chilean Grouping for UFO Research (AION), A: Uh, er, solar power. (Stop with the consistent with most creatures made wholly of said between January 1995 and the middle of facts already, these are what killed Al Gore.) rubber. 1996 there was around one sighting per week. Just keep it simple. Which I say as So far there has been no comment from The last unidentified flying object someone who regularly dines with the not-so- Biscardi, a professional tracker who can't seem spotted was in the third week of February this bright who inhabit one end of the American to tell a real missing link from something year, he said. People spectrum and as a guy who has rubbed bought at a Halloween store. By the way, this is "It was an orange object located about elbows with the best and brightest - the people the same guy who back in 2005 claimed to have 400 meters (1,312 feet) in the distance, with with money who reflexively vote against those found his very own Bigfoot, a claim proven to oscillating movements," he said. who might want to throw a crumb to those who be yet another hoax perpetrated on a media and A site of special interest is a flat zone of have none. public that loves being fooled time and again by huge volcanic blocks known as El Enladrillado, But somehow, all of us get thrown like a the same idiots. 60 kilometers (37 miles) from San Clemente load of white undies into a continent-size Thankfully, some real Bigfoot experts and at an altitude of 2,300 meters (7,546 feet), commercial washing machine that also happens were all over this one. Leading the charge was which locals claim is a UFO landing pad. to contain one new and unnoticed red sweater. Steve Kulls - host of an Internet station called "There, sightings have been made of What emerges all pink and funky from (seriously) Squatch Radio - who examined the shining spheres going into the water and into that washer is the American People, a bunch that thawing costume and immediately "had some wooded zones without any human explanation," actually allows half-bright senators, concerns." Fuenzalida said. congressmen and presidents to call us "ordinary His first clue was a hair sample that, El Enladrillado, which can only be working Americans." And worse, a bunch that when exposed to flame, melted into a plastic accessed after hours of trekking over rough will always pause to entertain a Bigfoot story no ball. In forensic "X-Files" fashion, Kulls stated, terrain, forms the central part of the UFO trail. matter how backwoods-rancid and idiotic it may "The team and I began examining this area near Other points along the path include signs be. the feet. I observed the foot - which looked detailing sightings, as well as restaurants, Bigfoot - along with the JFK unnatural - reached in, and confirmed it was a camping sites, hostels and cabins to serve assassination and the UFO cover-up - being the rubber foot. Later that day, we were informed hungry or weary Earthlings, Juan Carlos Cerro only thought-provoking story this country has that it was a costume." of the local tourist office said. [] generated in six decades. Which just goes to show that you can't That and visions of Jesus seen in water fool the American People. stains, in cheese sandwiches and - my favorite - Nosiree, not us, not never. [] in the frosted glass of a Gardena bathroom window. This one generated so much prayer Chile touts Chile touts traffic the bishop sent in a priest who discovered intergalactic ties with that when a next-door porch light was switched intergalactic ties with off, Jesus symbolically disappeared. 'UFO trail' Then came the latest Bigfoot story 'UFO trail' which was naturally latched onto by the American media because the American media is SANTIAGO (AFP) — When it comes to part of the American People. attracting tourists to a remote region in central In fact, we are the American People and Chile, the town of San Clemente is aiming high are therefore destined to run a picture (as most -- playing up its reputed connection to visitors media outlets did this week) of what was from outer space. obviously a cheap gorilla suit crammed into a he Andean municipality, 240 kilometers deep freeze. (150 miles) south of Santiago, has opened the Or that's what it looked like to me, a country's first UFO trail, a 30-kilometer (19- man who has only seen one UFO in his entire mile) long stretch that takes in a supposed life. landing site for flying saucers and optimal Naturally this Bigfoot was found dead lookouts for extraterrestrial craft.