Page 4 - 200808 - The 'X' Chronicles Newspaper - August 2008

4 Bigfoot found! 4 Bigfoot found! Bigfoot found! Bigfoot found! By JL STRICKLAND By JL STRICKLAND Did everyone get the memo that two bozos discovered a primitive man/primate in the North Georgia thickets? As it turned out, the Georgia Bigfoot turned out to be a rubber gorilla outfit encased in ice. But there for a few days, those guys had the news media's attention. Another amazing development, other than the supposed finding of the mythological critter, was that a noted Bigfoot "expert" quickly jumped out of the bushes. The rapid appearance of an expert is not surprising. With the advent of the 24-hour cable news cycle, experts in all manner of subjects have sprouted like mushrooms. You may be an expert yourself and not know it. Like dollar stores, you can now find an expert on most every corner. They are everywhere. Even as we speak, somewhere in a musty university library, or in a mildewed back- yard utility shed, the world's leading authorities on everything from Tooth Fairies, Easter and folklore. Evidently, Bigfoot addicts are Bunnies and Hoop Snakes are biding their time willing to pay people to NOT find a Bigfoot. until Geraldo or Greta summons them to cable Much like the government pays some lucky news glory. farmers not to grow kumquats. I must admit, I have always been Also, aficionados in the Sasquatch skeptical about the existence of Bigfoot. I search community say Mr. Biscardi is the only understand that Native American legends say investigator who knows where Elvis has been Bigfoot is real, but Native American legends hiding for the past three decades. also claim beavers built the world. Ah, but even Mr. Biscardi has his limits. I do not believe a beaver's teeth could It was his Web site that posted updates on the hold up under a construction project of such thawing of Bigfoot. magnitude. A small pond, yes; a whole planet, Because current assignments have no. overextended the most skilled, dedicated So what are we to make of the two investigative reporters, this was the absolute intrepid explorers who said they found Bigfoot worst time for a claim to surface that Bigfoot in the high lonesome? Apparently, they are old has been found. friends who currently run a business called Veteran tabloid shock troops are spread "Bigfoot Expeditions," an enterprise formally thin attempting to determine the origins of known as "Peach State Snipe Hunts Inc." Cindy McCain's cookie recipes and spying on News reports describe one of these the nocturnal tom-catting activities of John scientific investigators as a used car salesman, Edwards. which means he is at least more trustworthy According to the Georgia boys who than the average congressman. found the Bigfoot carcass, other similar man/ The other member of this backwoods- apes milled about and rubber-necked as they rambling duo is a policeman currently on removed the body. Which leads me to wonder: medical leave. If these primates are real and are actually a type While they have not officially revealed of human, how are we to regard them? Are they the exact nature of this police officer's physical legal citizens? If so, do they qualify for any problems, rumors say the unfortunate fellow social programs or services? pulled a groin muscle while fighting off space Can our already overextended treasury aliens. afford to pay for Bigfoot's big shoes? Can you Do not scoff — it could happen to imagine what their haircuts would cost? anybody. It could happen to you, if it hasn't Until we learn differently, we must at already. least consider the possibility that Bigfoot is Meanwhile, according to The among us. We should anticipate the new set of Associated Press, Clayton County Police Chief societal problems that could be presented by the Jeff Turner said he was processing the arrival of Sasquatch-Americans. paperwork to fire the officer. No surprise there. Are we ready for a Bigfoot family to Besides the two cohorts, the third person move in next door, to date our daughters, to flirt involved is the aforementioned "Bigfoot with our sisters, to marry our ex-wives? expert," Tom Biscardi. To date, Mr. Biscardi's Like it or not, this could happen, and it greatest achievement has been his remarkable would cause ill feelings all around. Plenty of ability to avoid any work involving heavy women are a sucker for anything that is frisky lifting. and hairy and grunts when you rub its belly. He has prospered by giving TV and Forewarned is forearmed. [] radio interviews about his fevered, though un successful, quest for the hirsute beast of fable The ‘X’ Zone - www.xzoneradio.com