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spirit – the son of God – a part of the trinity, the Alpha Jesus became brighter and clearer. All the things that
and Omega, beginning and end. We can only worship him were blocking me from a true relationship with him
in spirit and in truth, because he is the Word, the truth. slowly dissolved as I came to understand my worth. I
So, it is no wonder that I could not reach him from an had grown up thinking and feeling that God was always
altar that did not always represent truth in my life. angry with me. The sermons often, especially in my
youth when I was learning about God and Christ were
For example, my molestation as a child was not left at often about horrible results if you didn’t obey. I didn’t
the altar because it was not spoken about. I never allowed obey quite a bit. The love, understanding and forgive-
it to reach the forefront of my mind. My pain at being ness of Jesus Christ were not emphasized enough to
abandoned as a child by my father was never spoken about make me believe it.
in my house, so why would God want to hear about it.
Why would God want to hear about how I felt about Here, in the safety of my therapist’s office, under her
myself, that I wasn’t good enough for him, would never be gentle tutelage, her carefree belief that God just want-
– didn’t he already know? ed to love everybody and accept them as they were, I
finally believed. Thank God, I finally believed salvation
Panic attacks rarely appear out of nowhere. They come was for me, too, even if it didn’t look like everybody
from a growing feeling of internal opposition. You want else’s. I begin to talk to Jesus, and he spoke to me. The
to do right, but you always seem to do wrong. You want issues that had been blocking me from reaching him
to be holy, but you feel dirty under the eyes of God. You directly had been addressed. God had healed me on a
stay in relationships that really want out of and you feel couch in my therapist’s office. I had broken free and I
guilty about worrying incessantly, when you’ve been wanted to share that freedom with everyone else. I had
taught to give everything to God. But, the worse of learned a lesson I could share with others for the rest
all, you want to talk to your spiritual leaders about how of my life – God will used anything and anyone to heal
you’re feeling but you just know, they will never hear you. Therapy was not taboo; for a lot of Christians, it
you because they’re busy praying for you and over you might be necessary to finally find him, to worship him,
without listening to your fears. You realize they don’t to love him – in spirit and in truth.
really want to hear a truth that doesn’t end in “Praise
God”. When they do listen, you hear your story from the
pulpit on Sunday morning. How do you find Jesus in the
middle of all the holy noise? In the middle of all the fire
and brimstone?

African Americans, and especially those of us who are
Christians, do not go into therapy very often. The number
one rule of any black house was – “Don’t take my busi-
ness to the street.” Problems should be held for Friday
night tarrying where you would take your issues to the
altar and stay there until your knees cried out in pain or
the minister went hoarse, which ever came first.
I found Jesus on the couch in my therapist’s office. Not
the first day, or even the first week, but after months,
and years. In therapy, the layers of religious insensitivity
and fear, were torn down, one-by-one. My beliefs that I
would never be good enough for God begin to disappear.
I begin to realize that I had a mission to fulfill. I came to
understand my connection to God wasn’t connected to
shouting, speaking in tongues or attending every service
on the church calendar. As the layers of abuse, unhappi-
ness, and dissatisfaction were peeled away, my pathway to PAGE 11