Page 457 - A Little Life: A Novel

Kit snorted. “Somewhere between how Jude thinks and how you think is
how you need to think, Willem,” he said. “After everything we’ve built
together,” he added, mournfully.

He sighed, too. The first time Jude had met Kit, almost fifteen years ago,
he’d turned to Willem afterward and said, smiling, “He’s your Andy.” And
over the years, he had come to realize how true this was. Not only did Kit
and Andy actually, creepily know each other—they were in the same class,
and had lived in the same dorm their freshman year—but they both liked to
present themselves as, to some extent, Willem’s and Jude’s creators. They
were their defenders and their guardians, but they also tried, at every

opportunity, to determine the shape and form of their lives.
“I thought you’d be a little more supportive of this, Kit,” he said, sadly.
“Why? Because I’m gay? Being a gay agent is far different than being a
gay actor of your stature, Willem,” said Kit. He grunted. “Well, at least
someone’s going to be happy about this. Noel”—the director of Duets
—“will be fucking thrilled. This is going to be great publicity for his little

project. I hope you like doing gay movies, Willem, because that’s what you
might end up doing for the rest of your life.”
“I don’t really think of Duets as a gay movie,” he said, and then, before
Kit could roll his eyes and start lecturing him again, “and if that’s how it
ends up, that’s fine.” He told Kit what he had told Jude: “I’ll always have
work; don’t worry.”
(“But what if your film work dries up?” Jude had asked.

“Then I’ll do plays. Or I’ll work in Europe: I’ve always wanted to do
more work in Sweden. Jude, I promise you, I will always, always work.”
Jude had been silent, then. They had been lying in bed; it had been late.
“Willem, I really won’t mind—not at all—if you want to keep this quiet,”
he said.
“But I don’t want to,” he said. He didn’t. He didn’t have the energy for it,

the sense of planning for it, the endurance for it. He knew a couple of other
actors—older, much more commercial than he—who actually were gay and
yet were married to women, and he saw how hollow, how fabricated, their
lives were. He didn’t want that life for himself: he didn’t want to step off
the set and still feel he was in character. When he was home, he wanted to
feel he was truly at home.
“I’m just afraid you’re going to resent me,” Jude admitted, his voice low.

“I’ll never resent you,” he promised him.)