Page 509 - A Little Life: A Novel

“How?” he asks, wildly, and once again, Jude’s answer is delivered in
such a low voice that he misses most of it, but he can still distinguish
certain words: olive oil—match—fire.

“Why?” he yells, desperately. “Why did you do this, Jude?” He is so
angry—at himself, at Jude—that for the first time since he has known him,
he wants to hit him, he can see his fist smashing into Jude’s nose, into his
cheek. He wants to see his face shattered, and he wants to be the one to do
it.
“I was trying not to cut myself,” Jude says, tinily, and this makes him
newly livid.

“So it’s my fault?” he asks. “You’re doing this to punish me?”
“No,” Jude pleads with him, “no, Willem, no—I just—”
But he interrupts him. “Why have you never told me who Brother Luke
is?” he hears himself ask.
He can tell that Jude is startled. “What?” he asks.
“You promised me you would,” he says. “Remember? It was my birthday

present.” The final words sound more sarcastic than he intended. “Tell me,”
he says. “Tell me right now.”
“I can’t, Willem,” Jude says. “Please. Please.”
He sees that Jude is in agony, and still he pushes. “You’ve had four years
to figure out how to do it,” he says, and as Jude moves to put the keys in the
ignition, he reaches over and snatches them from him. “I think that’s
enough of a grace period. Tell me right now,” and then, when there is still

no reaction, he shouts at Jude again: “Tell me.”
“He was one of the brothers at the monastery,” Jude whispers.
“And?” he screams at him. I am so stupid, he thinks, even as he yells. I
am so, so, so stupid. I am so gullible. And then, simultaneously: He’s scared
of me. I’m yelling at someone I love and making him scared of me. He
suddenly remembers yelling at Andy all those years ago: You’re mad

because you can’t figure out how to make him better and so you’re taking it
out on me. Oh god, he thinks. Oh god. Why am I doing this?
“And I ran away with him,” Jude says, his voice so faint now that Willem
has to lean in to hear him.
“And?” he says, but he can see that Jude is about to cry, and suddenly, he
stops, and leans back, exhausted and disgusted with himself, and suddenly
frightened as well: What if the next question he asks is the question that

finally opens the gates, and everything he has ever wanted to know about