Page 153 - Stephen R. Covey - The 7 Habits of Highly Eff People.pdf

and influence, I don't feel safe enough to expose my opinions and experiences and my
tender feelings. Who knows what will happen?

But unless I open up with you, unless you understand me and my unique situation and
feelings, you won't know how to advise or counsel me. What you say is good and fine,
but it doesn't quite pertain to me.
You may say you care about and appreciate me. I desperately want to believe that. But
how can you appreciate me when you don't even understand me? All I have are your
words, and I can't trust words.

I'm too angry and defensive -- perhaps too guilty and afraid -- to be influenced, even
though inside I know I need what you could tell me.

Unless you're influenced by my uniqueness, I'm not going to be influenced by your
advice. So if you want to be really effective in the habit of interpersonal communication,
you cannot do it with technique alone. You have to build the skills of empathic listening
on a base of character that inspires openness and trust. And you have to build the
Emotional Bank Accounts that create a commerce between hearts.

Empathic Listening

"Seek first to understand" involves a very deep shift in paradigm. We typically seek first
to be understood. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen
with the intent to reply. They're either speaking or preparing to speak. They're filtering
everything through their own paradigms, reading their autobiography into other people's
lives.

"Oh, I know exactly how you feel!"

"I went through the very same thing. Let me tell you about my experience."

They're constantly projecting their own home movies onto other people's behavior. They
prescribe their own glasses for everyone with whom they interact.

If they have a problem with someone -- a son, a daughter, a spouse, an employee -- their
attitude is, "That person just doesn't understand."

A father once told me, "I can't understand my kid. He just won't listen to me at all."

"Let me restate what you just said," I replied. "You don't understand your son because he
won't listen to you?"

"That's right," he replied.

"Let me try again," I said. "You don't understand your son because he won't listen to
you?"

"That's what I said," he impatiently replied.

"I thought that to understand another person, you needed to listen to him," I suggested.

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