Page 313 - A Little Life: A Novel

wrong. So clearly there is something he doesn’t understand about sex.
Clearly he is doing something incorrectly.
That first night they had come upstairs, he had known what Caleb had

expected. “We have to go slowly,” he told him. “It’s been a long time.”
Caleb looked at him in the dark; he hadn’t turned on the light. “How
long?” he asked.
“Long,” was all he could say.
And for a while, Caleb was patient. But then he wasn’t. There came a
night in which Caleb tried to remove his clothes, and he had pulled out of
his grasp. “I can’t,” he said. “Caleb—I can’t. I don’t want you to see what I

look like.” It had taken everything he had to say this, and he was so scared
he was cold.
“Why?” Caleb had asked.
“I have scars,” he said. “On my back and legs, and on my arms. They’re
bad; I don’t want you to see them.”
He hadn’t known, really, what Caleb would say. Would he say: I’m sure

they’re not so bad? And then would he have to take his clothes off after all?
Or would he say: Let’s see, and then he would take his clothes off, and
Caleb would get up and leave? He saw Caleb hesitate.
“You won’t like them,” he added. “They’re disgusting.”
And that had seemed to decide something for Caleb. “Well,” he said, “I
don’t need to see all of your body, right? Just the relevant parts.” And for
that night, he had lain there, half dressed and half not, waiting for it to be

over and more humiliated than if Caleb had demanded he take his clothes
off after all.
But despite these disappointments, things have also not been horrible
with Caleb, either. He likes Caleb’s slow, thoughtful way of speaking, the
way he talks about the designers he’s worked with, his understanding of
color and his appreciation of art. He likes that he can discuss his work—

about Malpractice and Bastard—and that Caleb will not only understand the
challenges his cases present for him but will find them interesting as well.
He likes how closely Caleb listens to his stories, and how his questions
show how closely he’s been paying attention. He likes how Caleb admires
Willem’s and Richard’s and Malcolm’s work, and lets him talk about them
as much as he wants. He likes how, when he is leaving, Caleb will put his
hands on either side of his face and hold them there for a moment in a sort

of silent blessing. He likes Caleb’s solidity, his physical strength: he likes