Page 321 - A Little Life: A Novel

far enough from the house to be safe, he begins to shake, so badly that the
car swerves beneath him, and he pulls off the road to wait, leaning his
forehead against the steering wheel.

He waits for ten minutes, twenty. And then he turns, although the very
movement is a punishment, and finds his phone in his bag. He dials
Willem’s number and waits.
“Jude!” says Willem, sounding surprised. “I was just going to call you.”
“Hi, Willem,” he says, and hopes his voice sounds normal. “I guess I read
your thoughts.”
They talk for a few minutes, and then Willem asks, “Are you okay?”

“Of course,” he says.
“You sound a little strange.”
Willem, he wants to say. Willem, I wish you were here. But instead he
says, “Sorry. I just have a headache.”
They talk some more, and as they’re about to hang up, Willem says,
“You’re sure you’re okay.”

“Yes,” he says. “I’m fine.”
“Okay,” says Willem. “Okay.” And then, “Five more weeks.”
“Five more.” He wishes for Willem so intensely he can barely breathe.
After they hang up, he waits for another ten minutes, until he finally
stops shaking, and then he starts the car again and drives the rest of the way
home.
The next day, he makes himself look at his reflection in the bathroom

mirror and nearly cries out in shame and shock and misery. He is so
deformed, so astoundingly ugly—even for him, it is extraordinary. He
makes himself as presentable as he can; he puts on his favorite suit. Caleb
had kicked him in his side, and every movement, every breath, is painful.
Before he leaves the house, he makes an appointment with the dentist
because he can feel that one of his upper teeth has been knocked loose, and

an appointment at Andy’s for that evening.
He goes to work. “This is not a good look for you, St. Francis,” one of
the other senior partners, whom he likes a lot, says at the morning
management committee meeting, and everyone laughs.
He forces a smile. “I’m afraid you’re right,” he says. “And I’m sure
you’ll all be disappointed when I announce that my days as a potential
Paralympic tennis champion are, sadly, over.”