Page 375 - A Little Life: A Novel

“Jude, what happened?” Willem asked, trying to look him in the eyes.
“What was that?”
“Nothing,” he said. “I just thought I saw someone I didn’t want to see.”

“Who?”
“No one. This lawyer on a case I’m working on. He’s a prick; I hate
dealing with him.”
Willem looked at him. “No,” he said, at last. “It wasn’t another lawyer. It
was someone else, someone you’re scared of.” There was a pause. Willem
looked down the street, and then back at him. “You’re frightened,” he said,
his voice wondering. “Who was it, Jude?”

He shook his head, trying to think of a lie he could tell Willem. He was
always lying to Willem: big lies, small lies. Their entire relationship was a
lie—Willem thought he was one person, and really, he wasn’t. Only Caleb
knew the truth. Only Caleb knew what he was.
“I told you,” he said, at last. “This other lawyer.”
“No, it wasn’t.”

“Yes, it was.” Two women walked by them, and as they passed, he heard
one of them whisper excitedly to the other, “That was Willem Ragnarsson!”
He closed his eyes.
“Listen,” Willem said, quietly, “what’s going on with you?”
“Nothing,” he said. “I’m tired. I need to go home.”
“Fine,” Willem said. He hailed a cab, and helped him in, and then got in
himself. “Greene and Broome,” he said to the driver.

In the cab, his hands began to shake. This had been happening more and
more, and he didn’t know how to stop it. It had started when he was a child,
but it had happened only in extreme circumstances—when he was trying
not to cry, or when he was in extraordinary pain but knew that he couldn’t
make a sound. But now it happened at strange moments: only cutting
helped, but sometimes the shaking was so severe that he had difficulty

controlling the razor. He crossed his arms against himself and hoped
Willem wouldn’t notice.
At the front door, he tried to get rid of Willem, but Willem wouldn’t
leave. “I want to be alone,” he told him.
“I understand,” Willem said. “We’ll be alone together.” They had stood
there, facing each other, until he had finally turned to the door, but he
couldn’t fit the key into the lock because he was shaking so badly, and

Willem took the keys from him and opened the door.