Page 404 - A Little Life: A Novel

himself. In the afternoon they reviewed their plans for Morocco: they would
begin in Fez, and then drive through the desert, where they’d stay near
Ouarzazate, and end in Marrakech. On their way back, they’d stop in Paris

to visit Citizen and a friend of Willem’s for a few days; they’d be home just
before the new year.
As they were eating dinner, Willem said, “You know, I thought of what
you could give me for my birthday.”
“Oh?” he said, relieved to be able to concentrate on something he could
give Willem, rather than having to ask Willem for yet more help, thinking
of all the time he had stolen from him. “Let’s hear it.”

“Well,” said Willem, “it’s kind of a big thing.”
“Anything,” he said. “I mean it,” and Willem gave him a look he couldn’t
quite interpret. “Really,” he assured him. “Anything.”
Willem put down his lamb sandwich and took a breath. “Okay,” he said.
“What I really want for my birthday is for you to tell me who Brother Luke
is. And not just who he is, but what your—your relationship with him was,

and why you think you keep calling out his name at night.” He looked at
him. “I want you to be honest, and thorough, and tell me the whole story.
That’s what I want.”
There was a long silence. He realized he still had a mouthful of food, and
he somehow swallowed it, and put down his sandwich as well, which he
was still holding aloft. “Willem,” he said at last, because he knew that
Willem was serious, and that he wouldn’t be able to dissuade him, to

convince him to wish for something else, “part of me does want to tell you.
But if I do—” He stopped. “But if I do, I’m afraid you’re going to be
disgusted by me. Wait,” he said, as Willem began to speak. He looked at
Willem’s face. “I promise you I will. I promise you. But—but you’re going
to have to give me some time. I’ve never really discussed it before, and I
need to figure out how to say the words.”

“Okay,” Willem said at last. “Well.” He paused. “How about if we work
up to it, then? I ask you about something easier, and you answer that, and
you’ll see that it’s not so bad, talking about it? And if it is, we’ll discuss
that, too.”
He inhaled; exhaled. This is Willem, he reminded himself. He would
never hurt you, not ever. It’s time. It’s time. “Okay,” he said, finally. “Okay.
Ask me.”