Page 28 - Jewish News_March 2021

28A March 2021 JEWISH INTEREST

Aging Jewishly – What our traditions teach us about growing old

Caregiving during Covid: What not to say

By Rabbi Barbara Aiello
“ y brother and I made plans pandemic, provide the majority of dai- often made to caregivers like Shira, no personal down time, offer to pro-

ly care to an elderly family member.
to have Mom move to as-
that, for the most part, “won’t go over
vide her/him with time and space. One
Msisted living. But that was In fact, according to Vitas Health well.” These are the highlights of what caregiver says, “Buy a bag of grocer-
before Covid hit the nursing homes, Care and other agencies and organi- caregivers wish others wouldn’t say: ies, shovel the snow, wash the car, walk
so we kept Mom at home. My broth- zations, regardless of the Covid crisis, “I could never do what you do!” the dog, sit with the patient [so that] the
er helps some, “Family members and close friends Brenoff notes that no one knows when caregiver has a free hour or two, bring
but I am Mom’s continue to provide daily care (to frail they themselves will be thrust into the coffee and a newspaper, do the dishes,
main caregiver. elderly men and women).” That means role of caregiver, having to spring into vacuum the house, clean the bathroom
It’s been almost that caregivers can be the front-line action when a loved one needs help. – the list is endless.”
a year and I’m recipients of well-meant but often mis- Brenoff found that caregivers felt that “God never gives us more than
burned out, ex- guided commentary that hurts more “whether you think you will be up to we can handle.” The Jewish mystics,
hausted and on than it helps. the task when your time comes is pret- among others, taught that God is not
edge. My family Just ask Ann Brenoff, whose writ- ty irrelevant to someone already doing the giver of trouble, so for this reason it
and friends mean ing on the subject was nearly prophet- it.” A better alternative – a kind com- is moot to affirm that God will not give
well, but some of ic. Indeed, well before the pandemic pliment. you more trouble than you can handle.
Rabbi Barbara Aiello the things they took hold, Brenoff alerted readers to “You’re so brave!” Caregivers Instead, as Jews we are taught that we
say – well, it’s clear they just don’t get what has become an important issue for who responded to Brenoff’s survey said work in partnership with the God of
it!” – Shira K. those who serve as caregivers. Writing that courage has nothing to do with the our understanding. In this partnership,
Shira K. is not alone. Her words for the Huffington Post six years ago care they give. Others said that assign- based upon gratitude and faith, we are
could have been said by hundreds, (“A Dozen Things You Should Never ing superhero status to caregiving is a taught that we are not alone in our diffi-
maybe thousands of family members Say to a Caregiver,” October 29, 2015), way to create distance between family culties and that a working relationship
who, during the long months of the she highlighted 12 specific comments members and friends who might step with God will provide us with strength.
back from helping because they’ve de- Ann Brenoff reports that according
ified the caregiver to the point that they to a 2015 survey from AARP and the
feel they could never measure up. National Alliance for Caregiving, ap-
“If you ever need a break, just proximately one in three Americans is
call me. Let me know what I can do providing care to someone who is ill,
SUPPORT to help.” Caregivers surveyed point- disabled or elderly. In that same study,
Friendship at Home ed out that a vague comment is not as 78% of the caregivers said they need-
Financial Stability helpful as a specific offer. Like Shira, ed help. Thanks to the Covid epidemic
In-home Support caregivers are often exhausted and and its effects on an aging population,
Home Delivered Meals
Educational Programs burned out and would appreciate con- the challenges facing family caregiv-
crete help such as “I am bringing din- ers is particularly acute. For caregivers
CAREGIVING ner to your home. What night is best like Shira, what we say and how we
Caregiver Resource Centers for you? Would you prefer chicken, say it can make more of a difference
Adult Day Care Programs
Support Groups beef or pasta?” than we might think.
Educational Programs “You really must make time for Rabbi Barbara Aiello served Aviva
yourself.” Most caregivers under- – A Campus for Senior Life as resi-
HEALTH & WELLNESS stand that balance in life is important. dent rabbi for 10 years. She now lives
Senior Centers “We’re not martyrs,” Shira says. She and works in Italy where she is rabbi
Friendship Cafés
Senior Fitness agrees with most caregivers who ask of Italy’s first Reconstructionist syna-
Balance Movement for specificity. If a friend or family gogue. Contact her at Rabbi@Rabbi
Lifelong Learning member notices that the caregiver has Barbara.com.

friendshipcenters.org | 941.955.2122 Rabbi Barbara Aiello’s most popular
columns are now published in her new

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